Bottom Falls Out of Thongs
By our woman in the navy blue knickers,
Miranda S Givings
|The knicker industry is in meltdown today after retailers reported a sharp decline in the sale of thongs in High Street stores across the country|
So bad is the downturn in the industry that some analysts are predicting a tidal wave of unemployment in the Far East—if not a tsunami of joblessness, as millions of Chinese are forced to seek alternative work as offshore phone sex operatives.
"This is a catastrophe," a spokestypeperson
for Anne Summers Lingerie sobbed into her Macchiato when Utterpants
interviewed her atop a huge mountain of unsold 'Teeny Weeny Strings'.
"Sales have collapsed by nearly 200% in the past year and some
of our stores may have to close if we can't get women's bottoms back
"Sexually aggressive, thong-wearing, fourteen-year-old harlots with filthy cigarettes dangling from their sneering lips who terrorize communities with their violence, swearing and droves of illegitimate kids," explained the spokestypeperson. "One cannot go out any more without encountering gangs of these disgusting teenagers dressed in hooded tracksuits and Burberry baseball caps on every street corner, openly flaunting their thongs at complete strangers. Is it any wonder that ordinary women are sick and tired of being associated with these sluts and are looking for less revealing alternatives, such as the sensible cotton bloomers favoured by their grandmothers? Unless we ban the sale of thongs to these hooligans the whole lingerie industry will go down the toilet!"
Sadly, there is not much chance of a ban being imposed upon what some experts predict will soon be the dominant culture in this country, as a leading sociologist was at pains to point out us. "The insidious signs of chav 'culture' are all around us," boomed Professor Stringfondel. "Empty cider bottles and condom packets litter our streets, along with half-eaten burgers and discarded thongs. Short of enforced sterilisation, these vermin will continue to breed like rabbits—smoking, drinking, fighting and fornicating their way into every strata of society."
We steered the professor back to the subject in hand
by asking him if he thought the drop in the sale of thongs was due to
their association with chavs.
The irony of this was not lost on 'D-list' celebrity,
Almada, a transsexual Reality TV show contestant who asked us not
to reveal her name, but failed to send us the enormous cheque we demanded.
Nadia reminded us that thongs had first been worn by strippers and American
trailer trash until they won respectability when Britney Spears flaunted
one on stage. “Showing your thong is so five minutes ago,”
said the former Big Brother winner.
The dramatic decline in the sales of thongs has also refuelled the concerns of many health professionals who have repeatedly warned of the dangers associated with the wearing of tight underwear. Top model, Elle Macpherson, 41, who launched her own range of sensible undies earlier this month, told Utterpants: “Thongs are not only uncomfortable but unsanitary and dangerous. Women who persist in wearing them are risking infection and infertility."
Her warning was echoed by Dr Bartholin, a senior
gynaecologist at the University of London, who told us: "There
are now a number of recognised medical conditions associated with the
"No, but telling women they have it is the
surest way I know to get them to let me sedate them while I insert a
very large, organic suppository up their puburectalis maximus."
MORE ABOUT CHAVS..
Shopping: Two Chavs go shopping and get more than they bargained for
Trick or Treat: Halloween holds a few surprises for two cocky young Chavs
Chavs: controversial new study on the menace of Chavs
Ringtones to blame for Rude Chavs: well-minging rude little Chavs
Man jailed for 'antisocial haircut' : Yeah. Dead right, innit.
© 2005 Miranda S Givings and utterpants.co.uk / 010805