According to the study, which took three years to complete and cost approximately £6,142,362, pregnancy rates among British teenage girls are 3,000% higher in popular holiday resorts such as Ayia Napa and Falaraki than in Blackpool or Skegness. Researchers have concluded that UV-D — solar rays previously discounted as having no significant health risk — are to blame for the increasing numbers of buns young girls are bringing back to Britain in their bulging ovens.

"But surely," we asked, "It's the alcohol and the culture of sexual promiscuity that's to blame, isn't it?"
"Anti-feminist propaganda!" snapped Sherry Stillettoe. "Teenage girls are just as sexually active at home as they are on holiday, and drink just as much. Our study has conclusively proved that it's the greater solar radiation in warmer latitudes that's to blame for the rise in teenage pregnancies."
"Not getting completely legless on Bacardi Breezers then?"
"No."
"Or flashing their belly button rings and wearing arse baring thongs?"
"Certainly not! You don't honestly imagine that responsible scientists would fabricate evidence to obtain lucrative government research grants, do you?"
"Well that does seem a bit implausible.. So what you're telling us is that it's the sun which is heating up these little girl's knickers?" we asked.
"No I do not! Now bugger off; I have some important research to do into the role of Feta cheese on the increase in vaginal thrush among schoolgirls."

3,479 Secondary school children, young parents and tanning salon workers were interviewed during the three-year study. Research team leader, Tracey Mimms went on to tell us that the manufacturers of sunblocks had 'little concern' for the needs of young teenage girls.

"The cosmetics industry capitalises on the attraction of sun, sea and sand to sell it's products to teenagers, but has failed to warn young girls of the grave dangers of exposure to UV-D radiation in foreign holiday resorts. We have recommended to the Goverment that legislation should be introduced to compel resort owners and travel agents to spell out the dangers of exposure to the sun before this tide of unwanted pregnancies completely overwhelms us. Meanwhile we urge all young girls to wear a wide-brimmed hat and rub plenty of cod-liver oil between their legs."

"And will that block out the harmful solar radiation?" we asked.
"No, but the fishy smell may deter randy little chavs from shagging them so readily!" snapped Ms Mimms.

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say.

© 2004 utterpants.co.uk