Starbucks to offer Fresh Milk Starbucks to offer Fresh Milk

By our man who is no stranger to a well-filled teat, David Agosta
After intense lobbying by the Manhattan Farmer’s Association, all New York City Starbucks outlets will begin keeping dairy cattle onsite and offering fresh milk and cream from 2006

Speaking from underneath the well-filled udders of a prize Frisian heifer, Manhattan Farmer's Association President, David Agosta, told Utterpants: “New York has a rich agricultural heritage that has been all but lost. We see this as a real victory in the fight for the return of sustainable agriculture to New York.”

In a carefully worded statement prepared by twenty-seven lactating attorneys, which he did not read, a spokestypeperson from Starbucks told us: “We had begun to realise that we were not one of the most highly regarded corporations in America. We also recognise that people love cows so we fully intend to...um..milk this opportunity for the several million dollars our accountants assure us it's worth; no pun intended.”

Not everyone was so easily convinced that this was a good idea. According to New York Public Health Commissioner, Thomas Frieden, “A lot of people were initially concerned about this. Our phone lines were completely jammed when it was announced, and not just by perverts who wanted to get their hands on some really big boobies. If you ignore the health aspects of their products Starbucks is one of the cleanest restaurant chains in the City. We have examined their plan and are satisfied that there is no danger to the public in their keeping dairy cattle, so long as they’re securely tethered outside the restaurant and receive regular health checks for sexually transmitted diseases.”
"Sexually transmitted diseases?" we asked.
"This is New York," replied Mr Frieden. "We invented perverts."

Starbucks will be promoting its dairy cattle with a special advertising campaign in New York and the surrounding suburbs. The ads will centre on the 'Squeeze your own' theme with a view to educating customers unfamiliar with large mammaries how to dispense creamer without having their teeth kicked down their throats. According to Starbucks’ Vice President of Store Operations Services, Katherine Lindemann, “One of the differences you’ll notice between Starbucks and, say, a doughnut shop, is that Starbucks understands that people like to prepare their own coffee. We brew it, but the customer is free to add their own sweeteners and lighteners. We feel that allowing customers to ‘squeeze your own’ is a natural extension of that philosophy. We do realize, of course, that the average New Yorker may never have seen, much less milked a cow. Once they get the hang of it, it’ll be like buttering their own bagels.”

One cynical New York coffee-lover we did not interview but who insisted on shouting at our reporter across a crowded 5th Avenue, bawled: "Starbucks can milk this cash cow for all they want, it won't make their coffee taste any better than the cowshit they serve up now!"

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More of David's pant-wetting wit can be found on Manhattan Farmers
Story & picture © 2005 David Agosta. Design & construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 120705
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