RUG MENACE EXPOSED!
|An anonymous source close to the BBC has revealed exclusively to Utterpants that a well-known British comedian is responsible for the greatest threat ever to menace teenagers - INTERNATIONAL RUG TRAFFICKING!|
The comedian, (who has not been named), was seen openly rug-smoking during a recent commercial for an international finance company. Having blatantly entered the premises of a major rug-dealer, the buyer was seen inspecting numerous deep pile tufted rugs before asking for Somali Deep Shag. A large sum of money having changed hands, the comedian emerged into the street with the rug, already rolled and lit, and proceeded to inhale the noxious smoke whilst waxing lyrical about the pleasures of his perfidious purchase. Shocking we say, shocking! The BBC producers responsible for promoting the message that Rug abuse is "cool" and "hip" should be roundly carpeted.
Few subjects are so certain to invoke such fear and revulsion in the minds of parents as that of rugs, and rightly so, for as the world grows smaller, the scourge of International Rug Trafficking looms ever larger. Once confined to closely knit bands, whose patterns of activity were, for the most part, predictable, it has today become tightly woven into the very fabric of our society, controlled by international rug barons who will stop at nothing to warp the minds of our children, and ensnare them in their cunning web. Moreover, rug production has increased so dramatically that rug enforcement agencies are scarcely able to keep up with the latest range of "designer rugs" now being rolled out in the global marketplace.
We say that complacency is not an option! As every caring parent knows,
the use of so called "soft rugs" inevitably leads on to hard
rugs, for the attractions of soft rugs wear thin with constant abuse.
What is worse, dealers frequently cut expensive rugs with various deleterious
materials in order to make them more affordable to
Since we took a stand against this vile trade Utterpants has been assailed on all sides by those who wish to keep the public in ignorance and enslave our children. Only today we received an unsolicited email from an organisation calling itself "The Axminster International Users Society" threatening Utterpants with legal action if we do not withdraw our allegations against the anonymous comedian not named in this article.
Further investigation has revealed that "The Axminster International Users Society" is nothing but a threadbare front for "SHAG" - 'The Shagpile Habitues Action Group' - a notorious gang of international Rug Traffickers led by the infamous soft furnishing mogul, "Wilton P Woofe". Woofe is using the Internet to sell cheap rugs to unsuspecting schoolchildren by offering free holidays in Afghanistan to their parents. Far from being the perfectly harmless sheep and goatskin rugs Woofe claims, these products are cunningly woven from polyester carbonate - the hardest of all rugs, and the most addictive.
These insinuating and misleading advertisements cannot pull the wool over our eyes, or sweep the magnitude of this evil under the carpet. On the contrary, they merely serve to reinforce our conviction that "Wilton P Woofe" and his accomplices are weaving a cunning fabric of dissimulation and hyperbole to disguise their real agenda. The tangled threads of this blanket of deception are slowly being unraveled by Inspector Teddy 'plush' Tideyman of Interpile, who has spent the last eight years getting to grips with the knotty underlay of the Rug Trade. "The Persian Mob", aka "The Deep Shag Pile gang", "Kabul Kate and her Tufted Knot", and "Persian Pete" (pictured within this article), are only too well known to InterPile - the secret international organisation dedicated to smashing the worldwide trade in Rugs. Inspector Tideyman told us that carpet crack sniffing, once an occasional weekend pastime for a few rootless teddy boys bored with smoking compact polyester scatter rugs, has now become endemic amongst the teenagers in our cities. We asked Teddy how young people first become addicted to rugs, and he told us about 'Lucy' (not her real name). Every parental heart must surely ache, and every stomach turn, as 'Lucy' recounts her shocking tale:
"I started doing rugs when I was, like, twelve, after I accidentally set fire to our deep pile stair runner. The high was just fantastic. Then my best mate Mandy gave me a toke on a hand-knotted Iranian rug she'd nicked from Ikea. It made me sooo horny! Pretty soon I was smoking anything I could get my hands on just to feel that buzz again. When we'd smoked all the rugs at home Mandy said we had to find a pusher. So we and a couple of mates started hanging around Carpet Warehouse blagging off cuts from the salesmen in exchange for beejays. (a perverted oral sex act popular amongst young persons - Ed). But it was so badly cut it made me sick. Mandy said it was because the weft was made of polyester cross-wise yarns made to look like wool. She said she knew a bloke called Persian Pete who'd get us the real stuff because he only trafficked in Isfahan Black and Tabriz Gold. So we, like, went round there, but he wanted 500 quid for one rug! Eventually he said he'd let us have it if we brought some more girls round. I only used to smoke it until Pete suggested I use a needle so I started weaving my own. That's when I knew I was hooked. The sex and the rugs was just fantastic. I mean, I was, like, fourteen, and Pete was, like forty-something, and all these older guys couldn't believe their luck. When I got pregnant for the third time Pete dumped me. After that, I went on the streets until Teddy found me and got me into rehab. I mean, I'm only seventeen now and I have four kids. My life is, like totally ruined because of rugs!"
Shocking, isn't it? As responsible parents, we owe it to our kiddies
not the sweep this evil under the carpet. We must do all that we can
to unravel the twisted machinations of the rug traffickers whose insidious
trade threatens to undermine the very fabric of decency.
Story © 2003 Byafew Minitz. Construction and pictures © 2003 utterpants.co.uk