A spokestypeperson for the court told Utterpants that a temporary restraining order was issued this morning to compel Gwyneth Paltrow to stop using the name 'Apple'. Bouncing baby, 'Apple Lisa Macintosh' was born to the award-winning actress in a London hospital last month as we reported earlier.

Computer manufacturer, Nipple Inc, are said to be 'furious' over Paltrow's claims that her one-month-old daughter can process information 'a damn sight faster than any Nipple computer'.

Nipple's case rests on three separate complaints:
That the name 'Apple' is a registered trademark of the Nipple corporation, that 'Apple' Paltrow is not 'the world's fastest personal computer', and that her ability to say 'Mama' whilst simultaneously filling her diapers and clapping her hands to the tune of 'itsy bitsy spider' does not constitute genuine 'pre-emptive multitasking'.

Professor Stefan Wozniak, of the University of Wroclaw, who assisted in the birth of Gwyneth Paltrow's supercomputer last month, was scathing in his dismissal of Nipple's lawsuit when we spoke to him today. "Steve Jobsworth hasn't got a leg to stand on and he knows it," began the bearded cyberneticist. "Independent tests clearly show that his flaky computers are no match for Apple Paltrow when it comes to real world tasks."
"Such as?" we asked him.
"You try getting a Nipple G5 to crawl from one side of a room to the other in under 20 seconds."
"And baby Apple can?"
"You bet."
"And how is that useful in the real world?" we asked.
"How else are you going to transfer a rattle from a client to a server?"
"Good point," we replied.
She can also issue critical systems alerts in real time," enthused the professor.
"Like what?"
"Apple go poo-poo, Mama."

"Astonishing. So does that mean Nipple will lose the case?"
"There's no case to answer."
"Why's that?"
"Gwyneth and Chris have decided to change the baby's name."
"To what?"
"Windows."
"Won't that just invite another lawsuit from Microsoft?"
"Hell no, everyone knows Windows won't run on Apple hardware."

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say.

© 2004 utterpants.co.uk