The study found that excessive use of the latest generation of tri-band, WAP-enabled 3G cellphones releases microwaves which overstimulate the production of sex hormones and can cause major changes in a woman's body chemistry. The side effects of such changes include tiredness, increased stress and anxiety, facial dermatitis, blurred vision and infertility. Utterpants began by asking the study's author, Dr Joanna Hand, what women could do to minimize the risks.

"Get some labial piercings!" She retorted brusquely.
"Labial piercings?" we asked.
"Non-ferrous metals absorb the microwave radiation emitted by mobile phones."
"Er—we're not sure we're with you, doctor."
"Without labial piercings the consequences of this kind of behaviour on women's ovaries does not bear thinking about!"

"Er - I think we're at cross-purposes, doctor," we replied, "We don't think mobiles are meant to be used from that—er, location, are they?"
"No?" snapped the doctor. "Then why do they have so many bloody ringtones? You don't imagine thousands of teenage girls are downloading fifty different vibrating ring tones every week just to listen to another variation on Wagner's 'Ride of the Valkyries', do you?"

"Why Wagner specifically?" we asked.
"Because he's bloody loud! Have you tried getting the earth to move with Celine Dion?"
"Er, no, we can't say we have."
"Well, there you are then," exclaimed Dr Hand triumphantly. "Labial piercings are the only answer."
"Couldn't women just stick to using their mobiles in a more conventional way, doctor—perhaps for making and receiving telephone calls?"

"What, and miss out on all those earth-shattering orgasms? Now, please excuse me, I have some important tests to run with Beethoven's ninth symphony."

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