|British Culture Supremo and mealy-mouthed Yankee lover, Tessa Jowell, announced stringent new proposals today to combat the worst linguistic crises this country has ever faced|
In an impassioned speech delivered to a select gathering of lexicographers, publishers and linguists at the Mansion House, in London, Ms Jowell (47) presented a 900 page document entitled: 'Years of Waste Create Emergency.'—formerly 'Cent*ries of Over*se Res*lt in Emergency.'
Ms Jowell began by explaining that Britain is facing an acute shortage of the letter that comes between 't' and 'v'. "Urgent action must be taken in order to compete in the global marketplace," she told the shocked audience. "We need to have a complete alphabet. We are advising all citizens to refrain from *sing this letter *nless absol*tely necessary."
Ironically, it was the United States, a notorious spendthrift in all other things, who were the first to implement the new conservation measures. “Responsible Americans quickly recognised that the chronic shortage was being exacerbated by irresponsible British publishers and started printing words like 'f*ck', 'c*nt, 'b*ttocks, 'b*gger' and "sl*t," Jowell told the packed audience. "Many publishers have ass*med that Americans are simply bowing to pressure from right-wing, pro-chastity, religious fundamentalists. They are not. It is an attempt to save o*r common lang*age.”
According to Tessa Jowell, it is the British insistence on adding the letter that comes between ‘t’ and ‘v' to words like ‘color,’ ‘parlor’ and ‘humor’ that is responsible for the shortage. "There's no excuse for it," she told the assembled wordsmiths. "Every time some irresponsible editor types 'he savoured the flavour of the doughnut'—another three letters are lost, never to return. It's got to stop, do you hear?"
Utterpants asked a leading Lexicographer and professor of English at the University of East Anglia, Sir Isaac Hunt, for his response to Ms Jowell's conservation programme.
"Poppycock!" he snorted. "Tessa Jowell is spineless
sycophant who'd say anything to suck up to her American puppetmasters.
She knows perfectly well that President
Bush has been taunting the Prime Minister for years, adding the
letter that comes between ‘t’ and ‘v’ into the
word nuclear just to annoy him. Let's not forget who substituted 'cum'
for 'come' and 'jugs' for 'tits, not to mention 'muthafucker,' which
wastes two of the letters that come between ‘t’ and ‘v’.
It's America's wanton overuse of the letter than comes between ‘t’
and ‘v’on their bloody porn sites that landed us in this
mess in the first place!"
"But surely," we commented, "the Americans are acting
responsibly for once, by replacing the letter that comes between ‘t’
and ‘v’ with asterisks in the words you've mentioned?"
"Well, it's obvious, isn't it. Shoving asterisks into perfectly
legitimate Anglo-Saxon words that have been in use for hundreds of years
just to save a few letters, that they've been wasting, is asking
for trouble. I mean, what if I printed that you were an *nprincipled
f****r who would cheerfully b***er their own mother for an excl*sive?"
Even highly respected religious groups like the Scientologists, are
suing the press left, right and centre as we learned when our researcher
bumped into Tom
Cruise in Butch Bob's Leather Lounge, in downtown LA, where the
totally straight, he-man was consoling a tearful Katie Holmes. "I'm
gonna sue the fucking ass of those muthafuckers at Pantyhose,"
snarled the macho beefcake, punctuating his outburst by slapping a copy
of the offending magazine against his leather-clad thigh. The cause
of Mr Cruise's anger was an article in Pantyhose which alleged
that his talented fiancé's recent conversion to Scientology,
may not have been entirely voluntary.
'The cu*t brainwashed Ms Holmes into b*ggering Tara
Reid with a butternut squash.'
With American webmasters showing no signs of letting up on their reckless overuse of the scarce letter 'u', Britain faces a bleak future deprived of the most widely used phrase in the English language—yes, we mean: 'f*ck off yo* c*nt! The only glowworm of hope on the horizon is the news that the Prime Minister himself is backing Tessa Jowell's conservation programme. “One thing that I have learned from President B*sh," commented Mr Bliar, "is that the big words I have been *sing are q*ite *nnecessary. Waving his arms about and gr*nting doesn't seem to have done the fu*cking c*nt's career any harm."
Story © Miranda S Givings & David Agosta. Picture © utterpants.co.uk / 061005