In an impassioned speech delivered to a select gathering of lexicographers, publishers and linguists at the Mansion House, in London, Ms Jowell (47) presented a 900 page document entitled: 'Years of Waste Create Emergency.'—formerly 'Cent*ries of Over*se Res*lt in Emergency.'

Ms Jowell began by explaining that Britain is facing an acute shortage of the letter that comes between 't' and 'v'. "Urgent action must be taken in order to compete in the global marketplace," she told the shocked audience. "We need to have a complete alphabet. We are advising all citizens to refrain from *sing this letter *nless absol*tely necessary."

Ironically, it was the United States, a notorious spendthrift in all other things, who were the first to implement the new conservation measures. “Responsible Americans quickly recognised that the chronic shortage was being exacerbated by irresponsible British publishers and started printing words like 'f*ck', 'c*nt, 'b*ttocks, 'b*gger' and "sl*t," Jowell told the packed audience. "Many publishers have ass*med that Americans are simply bowing to pressure from right-wing, pro-chastity, religious fundamentalists. They are not. It is an attempt to save o*r common lang*age.”

According to Tessa Jowell, it is the British insistence on adding the letter that comes between ‘t’ and ‘v' to words like ‘color,’ ‘parlor’ and ‘humor’ that is responsible for the shortage. "There's no excuse for it," she told the assembled wordsmiths. "Every time some irresponsible editor types 'he savoured the flavour of the doughnut'—another three letters are lost, never to return. It's got to stop, do you hear?"

Utterpants asked a leading Lexicographer and professor of English at the University of East Anglia, Sir Isaac Hunt, for his response to Ms Jowell's conservation programme.

"Poppycock!" he snorted. "Tessa Jowell is spineless sycophant who'd say anything to suck up to her American puppetmasters. She knows perfectly well that President Bush has been taunting the Prime Minister for years, adding the letter that comes between ‘t’ and ‘v’ into the word nuclear just to annoy him. Let's not forget who substituted 'cum' for 'come' and 'jugs' for 'tits, not to mention 'muthafucker,' which wastes two of the letters that come between ‘t’ and ‘v’. It's America's wanton overuse of the letter than comes between ‘t’ and ‘v’on their bloody porn sites that landed us in this mess in the first place!"
"How do you mean, professor?" we asked.
"Type 'c*nt sl*rping n*de sl*ts f*cking' into any Internet search engine and you won't find a single British website using those words in that combination. That's a waste of five of the letters that come between 't' and 'v'. This entire crises could easily be averted if American pornographers would adopt the spelling conventions favoured by this country's past literary giants."
"Such as?" we asked.
"Well—'conyte' for one."
"Conyte?"
"If it was good enough for Chaucer it should be good enough for sex-crazed Yanks!"

"But surely," we commented, "the Americans are acting responsibly for once, by replacing the letter that comes between ‘t’ and ‘v’ with asterisks in the words you've mentioned?"
"Too little and too late. Anyway, what they're doing is only making things worse."
"We don't follow you?"
"Dammit, woman!" barked Sir Isaac, thumping his desk in frustration, "the exclusion of the letter between ‘t’ and ‘v’—oh, fuck it! The exclusion of the letter 'u' from words such as cunt and fuck by those interfering illiterate colonials has resulted in a hurricane of libel suits—if not a whirlwind of writs—from outraged celebrities and slandered organisations around the world."
"Libel suits? We're not with you, professor?"

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it. Shoving asterisks into perfectly legitimate Anglo-Saxon words that have been in use for hundreds of years just to save a few letters, that they've been wasting, is asking for trouble. I mean, what if I printed that you were an *nprincipled f****r who would cheerfully b***er their own mother for an excl*sive?"
"We'd sue the pants off you."
"And yet, what I meant to say was that you are an *nprincipled fucker who'd cheerfully barter their own mother for an excl*sive."
"But has anyone actually successfully sued a publisher—sorry, p*blisher, yet?"
"I'll say! The Sunday Sport, printed a story about Britney Spears in which it claimed that: 'The sl*t brazenly taunted the shocked audience with her f*rry c**t.' Ms Spears was devastated by the suggestion that she would wear a fur coat, especially to the annual congress of the Beaver Preservation Society, and went on to sue the paper for libel. Had the publishers taken my professional advice and used the words 'hairy conyte', not only would they have saved themselves three million dollars, but avoided wasting the letter between ‘t’ and ‘v."

Even highly respected religious groups like the Scientologists, are suing the press left, right and centre as we learned when our researcher bumped into Tom Cruise in Butch Bob's Leather Lounge, in downtown LA, where the totally straight, he-man was consoling a tearful Katie Holmes. "I'm gonna sue the fucking ass of those muthafuckers at Pantyhose," snarled the macho beefcake, punctuating his outburst by slapping a copy of the offending magazine against his leather-clad thigh. The cause of Mr Cruise's anger was an article in Pantyhose which alleged that his talented fiancé's recent conversion to Scientology, may not have been entirely voluntary.
"Here!" screamed the infuriated megastar, "Read it yourself!"

'The cu*t brainwashed Ms Holmes into b*ggering Tara Reid with a butternut squash.'
"Well, that does seem to libel you rather clearly," we commented.
"Not me!" spat out Cruise. "I'm not talking about Katie fucking Tara up the ass. Hell, we all creamed her butt that night, right hon?"
"Yess..." she sobbed tearfully. "The Church has been so good to me. The Deacons even let me hold Tom's hand when he goes down on—"
"—yeah, well, never mind that, baby. Anyway, the point is—once the national press got a hold of it the whole damn world was saying that the CULT brainwashed Katie into becoming a Scientologist. I'm gonna sue every one of the muthafucking bitches!"

With American webmasters showing no signs of letting up on their reckless overuse of the scarce letter 'u', Britain faces a bleak future deprived of the most widely used phrase in the English language—yes, we mean: 'f*ck off yo* c*nt! The only glowworm of hope on the horizon is the news that the Prime Minister himself is backing Tessa Jowell's conservation programme. “One thing that I have learned from President B*sh," commented Mr Bliar, "is that the big words I have been *sing are q*ite *nnecessary. Waving his arms about and gr*nting doesn't seem to have done the fu*cking c*nt's career any harm."

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Story © Miranda S Givings & David Agosta. Picture © utterpants.co.uk / 061005