Hell exists: official
A special report by our woman astride the space-time continuum, Miranda Givings
|Despite comforting messages from beyond the grave served up by clairvoyant tea ladies, or the stout denials of woolly-minded clergyman determined to erase any trace of partiality from the Church — Utterpants can exclusively reveal that Hieronymous Bosch got it right; hell not only exists — it is where most of us are going|
In a triumph of technology over superstition, an intrepid news team from Channel 5, armed only with the very latest, top secret, trans-dimensional travelling technology, reinforced underpants and a generous helping of British spunk, entered the dread Kingdom of the Prince of Darkness at 17.32 BST yesterday. The leader of the expedition, Nick Postlethwaite — a bluff Yorkshireman from Cleckheaton and discoverer of the Giant Troll of Tadcaster — shared his amazing scoop with Utterpants.
"We'd 'eard rumours for sum time from miners still digging coal
out of Grimwith's Bottom that summat didn't smell reet. When George
Skipton's missus wus taken by a bloke wi' 'orns and a barbed tail I
knew we wus dealin' wi' summat
unnatural. So when Channel 5 got their hands on this new Taiwanese
trans-dimensional gear, I jumped at the chance to poke around in Grimwith's
"Trust me, ee don't want to go thur," said the shaken explorer. "The first dead bloke we came across told us he'd lost everything. 'is wife, 'is job, 'is health, and a rilly hot fifteen-year-old bit on't side. So he threw himself in front of the 14.20 Harrogate express. Next minute ee was up to 'is waist in a lake o' boiling piss. No sooner had he climbed out o' that than ee had to cross a river of shite and face a freezing cold shower of rancid vomit. The bugger were so depressed ee told us e'd never have committed suicide if he'd known what was in store for him in Hell."
— suicide's not a good idea, then?" we asked.
"I know," said the brave explorer in a pained voice. "It
frightened the life out of Gemma — our sound recordist. "I'll
never forget those screams.."
"So what's the real biggie," we asked, "the truly unforgiveable
"God is a WOMAN!?"
© 2004 utterpants.co.uk