We have spent many long, exhausting days (and nights) studying the female sexual response, but our supply of original material quickly dried up and the carpets became far too sticky to walk on, so we sent our newest reporter, Robin Scunthorpe, to an imposing castle in Bavaria, where we had learned that Professor Karl Zeuss was the leading authority on the subject in the developed world. What follows is Robin's very personal account of his chat with the reclusive and eccentric sexpert.

“Good morning, Professor Zeus,” I began, having established beforehand that the professor had a passable command of English.
“It is Zeuss,” he hissed, “zere are two esses. You must never forget ze essesss.”
Thinking I had already blown any chance of a rapport with this man by mispronouncing his name, I got straight down to business by asking him what the secret of the female orgasm was. There was a long pause, during which the cadaverous academic peered at me over the rim of his pince-nez. Eventually he leaned forward on the threadbare elbows of his cardigan and began speaking in a very animated fashion.
“You see, my boy,” he said, with an air of unsettling familiarity, “Ve men have no problem with orgasm; ze front cover of Health and Efficiency was sufficient to drain ze poison from ze gonads in my youth, und even zat had ze genitalia airbrushed out. But zen, we have ze physical appendage that enables us to both see and feel ze state of our arousal. Zis is a most useful advantage—a most useful advantage.”

He stopped speaking and leant slowly back in his leather chair, as if recalling memories from the distant past, his eyes tightly shut and his hands clenched into fists upon his lap. Then, as if coming out of a dream, he leaned forward again and continued. “Women are not like zis. Their genitals are...how do you say?...an entirely different kettle of fishes. I have spent decades researching just what are ze stimulants zat will bring a woman to orgasm in a very short time, but only now has my penny been spent.”
“You mean the penny has dropped?” I interjected, helpfully.
“Try not to interrupt,” he barked. “I have found zat women have to be very relaxed in order to orgasm—very, very relaxed. In order to achieve zis for his wife or girlfriend or ze cheap floozie he has picked up in some back alley—"
"Back alley, professor?"
"Don't interrupt! Even ze ladies of ze night deserve consideration. It is important zat ze man does everything he can to make ze lady as comfortable as possible. She must have pampers, complete pampers. Only then will she let go und her troubles will all flood out.”
“You mean pampered?” I ventured hesitantly.
“Pampers, pampered—it all mounts up to ze same thing, my boy...relaxation. Und zen she must have ze ambience. Ze soft, sensuous lighting, or better still, scented candles to provide ze right mood. Also, she is requiring soothing music zat is melodic yet a little mysterious...but not played too loud—never too loud, or ze man will not be able to hear her cries at ze moment of crises.”

This was certainly getting more interesting, as I had been a lover of music since the 1950s when my mother could not stop singing 'Does your chewing gum lose its flavour on the bedpost overnight?”
“Could you recommend any particular music?” I asked hopefully.
“Ze Enid,” he said with a quiet smugness that seemed to border on arrogance.
“What—'Something Wicked This Way Comes?” I replied with self-assurance.
“Nein...” he sighed and added almost inaudibly, “Touch me.”
“Sorry?”
“Zat's ze name of ze song, not a cheap come-on. I'm not gay you know.”
"Do...er, go on, professor.”
“Some might say ze piano passages are rather odd und quirky, but I have found through many experiments zat ze syncopated rhytmus is extremely stimulating to ze female libido.”
He was almost trance-like now, wringing his hands continuously as he leaned almost painfully forward in his chair. “Zen food.”

“Food?” I asked
“Yes...food...und it must be ze right food. None of zose off-ze-peg meals—”
“Take-aways?”
“Take-away, take-out, whip-up, it's all ze same krep,” he replied, his voice climbing several octaves as he re-adjusted his pince-nez. “Vot is wanted is a lightly poached salmon fillet nestling on ze soft bed of wild rocket with asparagus tips und baby potatoes dripping—dripping, you understand—in a buerre blanc....And drink...only ze finest champagne...all zose bubbles signifying ze rising of ze innermost desires to the surface. Zat is the secret, my boy. Ze woman should now recline. Ze man must be subservient, but at ze same time concentrating on ze physical signs. Just watch her mouth as her lips become moister. Look very carefully and you may detect a slight dribble from ze corner of her lips. Zis will tell you zat ze time is very near.”

“The time?” I asked rather naively.
“Yes!” he exclaimed excitedly, pounding his clenched fist on his thigh. “Ze time when ze delicious creamy fluid substance is to be administered by ze man!”
Well, that was the first time I had heard it described in that fashion, but I dared not interrupt him as he rattled on at a break-neck pace.
“...Ze timing of ze introduction of ze creamy nectar, is of ze most vital importance. Ze utmost concentration is necessary to choose ze right moment to go to ze fridge.”
“The fridge?” This departure caught me somewhat off guard.
“Yes ze fridge!” he repeated as if I was some kind of idiot. “You don't want it to go soft now, do you?”
“Don't want what to go soft?”

“Ze Haagen Dazs. Ze ice cream—”
“—Ice cream...?” I asked warily, “I thought—”
“— I know vot you thought! Will you stop interrupting, you ignorant boy!”
“Sorry, professor.”
“A normal 500ml carton would be plenty, but a small bottle of a sweet sauce is also vital. See how the woman's pupils dilate when her eyes catch sight of ze ice cream tub und watch carefully how her breathing becomes heavier as she greedily removes ze lid, revealing ze creamy, sensuous interior. However, you must wait und observe as her movements will now become increasingly jerky und uncontrolled...see?...she tosses aside ze spoon in favour of her hands…notice how she is now moaning faintly but more frequently as she takes bigger und bigger mouthfuls—at ze same time moving her thighs together in a rhythmic fashion which becomes faster und more urgent. She will start to utter more audible groans as she forces more and more into her mouth; some will leak out around the sides and drip gently onto her heaving bosom. She may mutter words such as ‘oh Gott, yes’ und ‘zat is lovely’ or possibly even ‘is zere any more?’ und you must be ready... for just as she is working herself into a frenzy und grabbing more ice cream, take your bottle of sauce...I recommend maple syrup, but butterscotch can be just as effective...und squirt ze contents on ze top of ze remaining ice cream. If you are really lucky she will shout your name as she pushes ze last handfuls into her mouth und falls back onto the sofa, exhausted. As her eyelids close gradually, she will utter zose wonderful words zat every man wants to hear: ‘oh thank you, that was the most wonderful time, ever.”
Professor Zeuss slumped back into his armchair, breathing hard, the sweat pouring down his face and wiped his pince-nez with a trembling hand.

“Zere...my boy,” he sighed, “how was zat for you?”
I was left a little breathless and also very confused.
“Wait a minute,” I said. “Is that it?” “What about her genitals? Do they play no part in this?”
He was about to close his eyes, but stopped to regard me with a pitying look over his pince-nez.
“Oh no, dear boy. Oh dear me, no. Ze genitals? Oh, mine Gott, no. I have done much research into zat part of a woman's anatomy und while I admit zat ze vaginal massage will sometimes produce a spurious temporary euphoria, it is nothing compared to vot I have just described to you. Ze handling of ze female genitalia produces a kaleidoscope of images in the minds of women undergoing zis form of primitive und clumsy stimulation. My measurements of ze brain wave patterns during zis phase have conclusively shown zat ze various shades seen are a direct correlation with the Dulux Vinyl Silk Emulsion colour chart in the event of clitoral arousal, and the patterns seen with stimulation of the inner labia are from the Crown ‘easy-up’ wallpaper catalogue.”
“Er...you've lost me, professor."

Suddenly, the door opened and a nurse walked in.
“Ah there you are Mr Zeuss,” she exclaimed. “I have been looking for you everywhere. It's time for your medication.”
With that, she pulled him out of the chair and, without so much as an acknowledgement to me, led him through the open door and out into the dimly lit corridor.
“I think you will need two injections in your bottom tonight,” she said as they walked on into the gloom “And then I have a nice big bowl of soup for you, liebchen...”
“I hope it is ze thick pea soup with smoked bacon und frankfurters,” said Zeuss.
“Oooh, you're such a naughty boy,” exclaimed the nurse, patting his bottom affectionately. I decided that this might be an opportune time to make a hasty exit and legged it.

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Story © 2005 Robin Scunthorpe. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 311005