George Bush wages war on Fat and World Hunger
By our man behind the meat grinder, Robert Carey
In an impromptu broadcast liberally peppered with non-sequiturs and malapropisms, US President George W Bush today announced far-reaching initiatories to tackle America's growing obesity crisis and end World Hunger
“My fellow Americans," began the accomplished raconteur with a twitch of his mobile eyebrows, "I know a lot of you feel my administration has a lot to answer for. I hear a lot about our abuseatory treatment of Eyerack, but y'know, we wouldn't have to kick so much ass if they'd only cooperate with our brave boys. Some of you may be concernified about our support for Israel against the Palestin.. palestinari... er, Islamaist fundamentories, others have criticised my poor useification of the English language, but ya know what—I hold a simultaneous opinion about them."
The president's eyebrows twitched spasmodically as he waited for the applause to die down, before continuing with an ever-widening grin of smug complacency. "Then there are those un-American terrorist synthesizers who claim I played my gitar while Black Rappers, crack whores and unemployed shoeshine boys was a-drowning in their own excitement down in the Big Easy, continue to contemptuarize the United Nations and have unnatural connectories with the Bin Laden family. These are darn good questions that deserve darn good answers and you can be sure that they will be answered, if not today, then tomorrow, because tomorrow is in the future and I am a man who believes in the future."
Households across America listened spellbound as the master of the incomprehensible neologism warmed to his theme: “Tonight, I am going to announce the most far-reaching initiatories by any government in the history of the free world—or any world because I am going to finally put an end to world hunger and address the worst obesity epidemic this country has seen. I am going to cast aside my customary modesty and say that the solution my administration will implementorialize is all my own deception, and I expect to take full credit for it.
We all know that there is millions of starving peoples in the world, and I know what it’s like to be hungry—why only yesterday my lunch was twenty minutes late. But I have a plan, which even though I say it myself, is just about the most innovatory and epidemic solution to one of the greatest problems facing America today.
Since I learned that there are as many overweight peoples in this great country as there are starving millions in the countries I have yet to freedomify, it seemed logical to me that if we downsized every American who is say, 50% overweight, cut them up, froze them, and turned them into food parcels, we could ship the pieces to all these starving millions. Not only will this radicatory plan put food on the table of millions of unfreedomified peoples, it will make a healthy profit for the Halliburton Shipping Company who have kindly offered to provide the transportation. What's more, my good buddy Dick has personally promised he will plough a generous 0.01% of the profits back into the administrative infrastructure to pay for my forthcoming tax cuts for all those farsighted corporations that have invested in my restructification of Eyerack.
I have today asked Congress to enact a law to force everyone over eighteen years of age to report to weighing stations throughout the country. All those with a 50% surplus in body weight will be shipped to abattoirs specially constructified by my good buddy Dick Cheney to be humanely reverted into food parcels. I appeal to all obese Americans to ask themselves this question: 'Do I want to be another second-rate soldier in Eyerack abuseatorifying third-rate prisoners or a first rate second course in Africa?' My fellow Americans, your duty is clear: ask not what you will be served for lunch, but how you may serve lunch for your country!"
Story © Robert Carey. Picture and construction © 2004 utterpants.co.uk / R151005