utterpants
Ancient scroll unveils deadly warning Ancient scroll unveils deadly warning

AN EXCLUSIVE REPORT By our man in mufti, Alexander DeVille
A scrap of parchment covered with an unknown, ancient script discovered at a University of East Anglia sponsored dig in southern Egypt, has finally been deciphered by a Greek archeologist

A scrap of parchment covered with an unknown, ancient script discovered at a University of London sponsored dig in southern Egypt, has finally been deciphered by a Greek archeologist.

The historical discovery was made five weeks ago by Kayleigh Gussett, from south London, who was taking a short break away from her two children. Ms Gussett, an unmarried fifteen-year-old trainee hairdresser, was assisting the leader of the dig, Professor Isaac Hunt, when she discovered the baffling parchment. Kayleigh takes up the story: "I was like—'kin hell! Look at dis babe—dat's da geezer wot got me on da dig—"
"—babe?" we asked.
"Yeah, well, me an' da prof have become a bit of an item, like," gushed Kayleigh, flicking a spot of cigarette ash from a frayed denim pelmet that barely concealed her clitoral piercing.
"We had no idea that Ancient Egyptian was now being taught to hairdressers," we commented.
"No need to be sarky, mate!" snapped the busty blonde."Jus' coz I wear bling in me belly button and me you-know-wot and dis well-wicked Burberry cap, don't mean I'm no fuckin' Chav, y'know. I used to spend all me time dahn da British Museum when I was a kid. "Dem ol' geezers in dere painted coffins are dead sexy, innit? Anyway, I knows me 'iera'ic from me Demo'ic an' like, soon as I saw dat fing I knew it weren't writ in no fuckin' Ancient Gypo script."
"So what happened then?" we asked.

"Ise—dat's me bloke, da prof, like, snatched it aht me 'and an' sez, 'I'll take care of that my girl,' so I knew it must be summat really mint, innit."
The object, which measures some three inches by two and appears to be made out of a hitherto unknown variety of papyrus, has been the subject of heated discussion in archeological circles. Some have speculated that the baffling text may contain an important message from Cleopatra to Mark Anthony dating from about 400 BC, whilst others insist it is nothing more than a coded shopping list to disguise the notorious Greek courtesan's insatiable appetite for 'love philtres.'

Professor Isaac Hunt told Utterpants: “As changes accrue over time, ancient texts become unintelligible if the knowledge of the language is lost. In some cases, the texts can be read, but cannot be understood. We are pretty certain that this parchment contains a message of vital importance for humanity.”
After carbon dating and a series of expensive hi-tech tests drew a complete blank in London, the parchment was finally delivered to the University of Athens department of Historical Studies. There, Dr Kalika Katsaris and her team of twenty-seven assistants, subjected the priceless object to intense scrutiny for over three minutes while the world of archaeology held its breath. Moments later, a terse announcement was made on the University's website:

"The text of the script reads: ‘Rauchen fügt Ihnen und den Menschen in Ihrer Umgebung eheblichen Schaden Zu. Raucher sterben früher!' The accompanying footnote added: "We believe the script is printed on a packet of Silk Cut Ultra low tar cigarettes, packed in Cyprus, by British American Tobacco for export to Germany."

It is now thought that a discarded cigarette packet was buried in the sand after a previous dig by the University of Berlin in 1992 and its soiled condition ‘made it look very old.'
Dr Kalika Katsaris insists both Kayleigh Gussett and Professor Hunt knew the script originated on a cigarette packet and started the complex tests, costing U$460,000 as, 'a bit of a joke to earn a few quid.' "Needless to add," she added needlessly, "the joke is on them, as I understand Professor Hunt has been arrested on charges of fraud, misappropriation of public funds and sex with a minor."
"And Kayleigh Gussett?" we asked.
"The foul-mouthed slut is expecting her third child."

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say. Get it off your chest!

Story © Alex DeVille 2005. Picture and construction © utterpants.co.uk / 081005

Front Page
News Briefs
Totally Britney
Entertainment
Sex
Society
Science
Politics News
World News
What visitors are saying about Utterpants Satire News - no really. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried, honest.
Satire News
Satire News
Read our Funny stories
Satire News
Ms Givings answers your personal problems
Satire News
Britney Spears Satire News and News Parody
 
 
Get Firefox and rediscover the Web