utterpants
Farmers slammed for profiting from Eco Crisis
Farmers Profiting from Eco Crisis
By our woman in the green wellies, Miranda S Givings
UK Agriculture Minister Lord Twitty narrowly escaped being lynched today by disgruntled British Farmers, already at boiling point over the government's proposed ban on fox hunting, when he hit out at 'the criminal elements who are profiteering from this country's ecological crisis' at a meeting of the National Farmers Union, at Hathaway Park, Warwickshire

About 250 angry farmers surrounded the minister after he had made a speech outlining the government's sweeping new plans to cut the number of landfill sites by 200% and impose swingeing fines and custodial sentences for illegal fly-tipping.

Lord Twitty, who was made a Life Peer in 1996 in recognition of his outstanding contribution in getting Tony Bliar re-elected, responded to the shouts of protesters, insisting that public opinion in England was firmly against farmers and that the will of the Labour Party would prevail. Police officers, fresh from cracking the heads of pro-hunt supporters in London earlier this week, waded into the crowd with gusto, eager to try out their new pepper sprays on the belligerent muckrakers who were trying to insert a large marrow into the Agriculture minister's bottom. Minutes later, two helicopter gunships appeared overhead and began spraying the crowd with water — or possibly mustard gas, while police officers ushered the shaken minister away.

Such scenes are being repeated all over Britain as the government struggles to cope with an ever increasing mountain of waste and not enough holes in the ground to put it into. A spokestypeperson for Greenpeace put it to us rather more baldly: "This country is literally drowning it it's own shit. With official waste disposal companies charging up to £500 a ton to dispose of our rubbish is it any wonder that cash strapped farmers are stepping into the breach and using land set aside by the EU for wildlife conservation to shovel the shit into? I mean, it's a win win situation for bloody farmers. The EU pay them to set aside land, the government pay them again to bung up a few signposts for ramblers, and dodgy blokes in pubs pay them hard cash to dump waste under it. No wonder the buggers are driving around in Range Rovers and buying holiday homes in Marbella!"

Nikki Coltsfoot, from the Countrywomans' Alliance, took time out from grooming her pedigree Beagles, to talk exclusively to Utterpants: “The minister couldn’t justify his position. He couldn’t look us in the eye and tell us why it’s wrong for us to bury waste on our own private land but it's OK for his government to store German spent nuclear fuel in Cheshire!” she snapped angrily. "All I can say is that the Nazis in the government will prevail as usual. It’s a fucking disgrace.”

Conservationists have applauded Lord Twitty for clamping down on the evil men who are profiteering from our profligacy, but failed to come up with any viable alternative to this country's worsening waste disposal crisis. We asked one farmer how he justified ripping off the British taxpayer who is already paying through the nose to subsidise the British agricultural industry.

Albert Brown, 68, who farms 700 acres of prime Warwickshire land, stoutly defended his actions by insisting he was 'barely makin' ends meet' by burying waste and that the new Range Rover and BMW coupe parked in his driveway belonged to a stockbroker who had rented his holiday cottage for a short weekend break. "Let's get this quite clear, Mr Brown," we began. "On the one hand you are receiving substantial subsidies from the European Union to set aside vast acreages of land — "
" — Deep bottom, 'Ungry 'ill and Townsend don't amount to more'n 75 acre.." interrupted the garrulous old sod tiller with a deep growl.
"Let us put it another way," we continued. "On the one hand you are receiving substantial subsidies from the European Union to set aside seventy-five acres of prime agricultural land for an indefinite period, and on the other, accepting huge amounts of untraceable cash from —"
"—Taint 'uge," objected Mr Brown peevishly. "I charges fifty quid for ten cubic yards o' domestic, and a 'undred for toxic."
"Toxic?" we asked. "Are you telling us you bury toxic waste on your land?"
"Poxy," replied the farmer, "I meant poxy waste."

"Such as?"
"Tyres, doors, beds — and bodies.."
"Bodies!" we exclaimed in disbelief.
"Ah..um, anybody's. I meant I take anybody's old doors and beds," blustered the red-faced agriculturist.
"Very well; the fact remains that you are clearly burying waste on your land in direct contravention of UK and EU law, and being paid by law-abiding taxpayers to do it. What do you have to say to that?"

"It's a load of old bollocks!" retorted Farmer Brown. "Now get the hell off my land!"
We left the incorrigible old fart to supervise a shipment of hunting beagles destined for France and beat a hasty retreat.

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say. Get it off your chest!

© 2004 utterpants.co.uk /260904 /A190106

Front Page
News Briefs
Totally Britney
Entertainment
Sex
Society
Science
Politics News
World News
What visitors are saying about Utterpants Satire News - no really. We couldn't make this stuff up if we tried, honest.
Satire News
Satire News
Read our Funny stories
Satire News
Ms Givings answers your personal problems
Satire News
Satire News
Get Firefox and rediscover the Web