Intelligence linked to Cunnilingus
An in-depth report by our man who is no stranger to eating out, Don Pitts
|A report published today by researchers at the University of Wanke, in Germany, has rocked the international educational establishment and whipped up a tempest of testosterone-fuelled outrage among right-wing Christian fundamentalists in America|
The cause of this tsunami of controversy is a mild-mannered, forty-seven-year-old German biologist who says that regular carpet munching increases intelligence—a claim that has shrivelled the nuts of macho men across America who are already reeling from the results of an earlier British report that found teenage girls who masturbated to orgasm at least five times a week scored approximately 27.28% higher in examinations than those who engaged in regular intercourse with male partners.
The author of the contentious willy-shrinking report, Professor Helmut Leckenschlurp, expressed surprise at the US reaction when Utterpants interviewed him at the Klinikum Grosshardern, outside the picaresque town of Kuntz in southern Bavaria. "Ze report merely reinforces vot dumb Americans have always known," he explained patiently. "Those who frequently give or receive cunnilingus are smarter zan those who don’t. I don't understand vot all ze fuss is about."
The study, which took five years to complete and
cost over $127 million also found that the opposite is true: the brainiest
individuals are ten times more likely to have had widespread experience
in the fine art of carpet munching.
Professor Leckenschlurp's research began as a hobby while he was an undergraduate student at the University of Berlin, where he unofficially tested his theory on girls at the city's high schools. He quickly discovered that students as young as fourteen who received cunnilingus did better in their oral work than seniors sitting for matriculation. But it wasn't until after he graduated that he began to think about the possible ramifications of his hypothesis, which, if proven, might be of enormous benefit to mankind. So he petitioned the German government to fund a research programme. “Unfortunately,” he told us with a wry laugh, “I wasted ze first cheque on a hundred lab rats und two hundred pairs of cheese flavoured, edible panties.”
“And what did that teach you?” we asked
Since the human male has a congenital predilection to lie incessantly about his sexual prowess, the professor’s team divided the answers given by male students by ten and then compared these results to hard evidence in the lab. This created a more accurate statistical formula on which to base the hypothesis of the study. The answers—coupled to control group analysis of electrical brain activity in males during the contemplation of very large breasts—allowed the boffins to calculate the increase in intelligence.
resulted was a complete and dependable list, ranging from men who performed
the procedure rarely on a few to those who performed it often on a few
too many. After several hours of exhaustive oral examination by eager
lab girls, the latter group—who the female volunteers dubbed ‘elite
cunnilinguists’—then had their IQs tested. Compared to novices
who were only slightly more interested in performing cunnilingus than
trapping their manhood in a door jamb, the elite cunnilinguists were
found to score, on average, 33 points higher in IQ tests. However, the
wizards in white coats were not happy to let things end there. With
approximately 97.365231 per cent of the cunnilinguists demonstrating
a measurable increase in intelligence, Professor Leckenschlurp was initially
puzzled why the remaining 2.63477 per cent did not until it was discovered
that some students were 'licking
the wrong end.'
When we asked a leading Education expert to comment on these findings, Gretchen Wunderkind (27) mumbled something that sounded like 'mumph schlurp schlip,' never once removing her pretty blond curls from under the microskirt of our Utterpants researcher. So engrossed did the pair become in furthering the study that our researcher failed to take any notes, though she has since requested a pay raise on the grounds of her increased intellectual capacity.
Critics of Professor Leckenschlurp’s study argue that it has yet to answer the most important question: Why do men do it? According to Dr Hans Fuchs, an eminent sexpert at the University of Texas, the reason is clear. "Men who possess the recessive male intelligence gene intuitively realise that the path to a girl’s panties is more easily travelled by tongue. They may also understand that the act of cunnilingus increases their popularity among the opposite sex and smoothes the way for other parts of their anatomy—occasionally even without the help of beer."
Whatever the motivation, the study has shown that
'tongue surfing’ increases intelligence. Not only are smart men
more likely to perform the act, but the longer they’re able to
sustain their performance, the more pleasure-giving endorphins are released
by the brain and the smarter they become. But the tunnel-tickling scientists
were not content until the test group had been licked
to the moon and back by more than three hundred diners of varying
expertise. The Professor and his group of eager assistants carefully
observed and recorded facial expressions, auditory reactions, and the
amount of fluid discharged during the course of the study. They then
compared the womens' IQ scores with the test results of frigid housewives
who submitted to the monthly conjugal ordeal from their overweight husbands.
Unsurprisingly, women whose pussies had been recently eaten scored 23
points higher on the tests, whilst those who received regular cunnilingus
from women with tongue piercings scored an astonishing 208 points higher.
An unexpected difficulty in the study dealt with the polynomial nature of the results. As IQ decreased among the female subjects, they received less labial licking from fewer men. This produced a dramatic curve in the graph which the professor believes explains why women with low IQs tend to date men with even lower IQs, resulting in a vicious circle that condemns the least intelligent members of society to a life of unplanned pregnancies, erectile disfunction and sexual frustration. "The bottom line, as one enthusiastic American participant, Dieter Horni, eloquently explained to us is: “Dumb guys don't do it and dumb girls don't get it.”
part of the study involved the biochemical testing of vaginal
secretions. It had already been deduced that an intelligent woman’s
vagina is the smartest, most powerful living creature in the world,
able to control wealth, political and international events, and every
single thought and action of the entire male population. The smarter
the woman, the smarter the pink purse between her legs, and her intelligence
was found to be passed on via her girl juices during a good, long pussy
pucker. "Cunnilingus increases the male IQ to a phenomenal extent,"
gushed Professor Leckenschlurp's research assistant, Dr Lisalotte Loch,
as she eagerly clamped her lissome thighs around our female researcher's
head. "The yummy pussy juices literally intoxicate the boys to
want to lick more und more und more...oh Gott yes—lick me faster,
We left our researcher in Dr Loch's capable hands—or
possibly between her thighs, and asked the professor if he had identified
a specific chemical as being responsible for the increase in intelligence.
This, according to Professor Leckenschlurp, is why smart men get smarter, and the dumb ones get elected to high political office. But none of this cuts any ice with fundamentalist Tele-Evangelists like the Reverend Percy Pants who continue to preach against cunnilingus, despite the fact that they may be dooming their followers to a life of intellectual inferiority, if not outright stupidity. Yet not all evangelical Christians are swallowing such right-wing dogma, as we discovered when we spoke to Cherry Hindlick, the sixteen year old president of the West Texas chapter of the Young Baptists Chastity League, who told us: "Sure, I’ve kissed probably, like fifty guys and let a couple hundred eat me out, but I’ve never fucked anyone. I must’ve had like, several thousand multiple orgasms, but I’m still a virgin!”
early days yet," said the professor, "but I am quietly confident
zat once we hev extended ze study to include a very much larger group
of test subjects my theories will receive ze recognition zay deserve."
The modern world is full of complicated situations in which intelligence makes the difference between success and failure. So any behaviour that increases our intelligence should be embraced with open arms—if not shaking, widespread thighs. Utterpants applauds the Professor’s groundbreaking research because smart girls know that the best way to lick a problem is by using their heads.
Story © Don Pitts 2005. Picture & construction © utterpants.co.uk / 220805