The cause of this tsunami of controversy is a mild-mannered, forty-seven-year-old German biologist who says that regular carpet munching increases intelligence—a claim that has shrivelled the nuts of macho men across America who are already reeling from the results of an earlier British report that found teenage girls who masturbated to orgasm at least five times a week scored approximately 27.28% higher in examinations than those who engaged in regular intercourse with male partners.

The author of the contentious willy-shrinking report, Professor Helmut Leckenschlurp, expressed surprise at the US reaction when Utterpants interviewed him at the Klinikum Grosshardern, outside the picaresque town of Kuntz in southern Bavaria. "Ze report merely reinforces vot dumb Americans have always known," he explained patiently. "Those who frequently give or receive cunnilingus are smarter zan those who don’t. I don't understand vot all ze fuss is about."

The study, which took five years to complete and cost over $127 million also found that the opposite is true: the brainiest individuals are ten times more likely to have had widespread experience in the fine art of carpet munching.
“Ze preliminary results are undeniable” said Professor Leckenschlurp. “Ze statistical, anecdotal, und biochemical studies all lead to ze same inescapable conclusion: smart guys do it and smart girls get it.” Pausing only to advise an enthusiastic young woman to pop another piercing into her 'lady lips' before she joined a group of male test subjects from Ohio, the sexologist added: "In all my years of research from which I’ve been published in forty-four academic journals in thirty-six countries, never have I been more encouraged by a study zan I have by zis vun.”

Professor Leckenschlurp's research began as a hobby while he was an undergraduate student at the University of Berlin, where he unofficially tested his theory on girls at the city's high schools. He quickly discovered that students as young as fourteen who received cunnilingus did better in their oral work than seniors sitting for matriculation. But it wasn't until after he graduated that he began to think about the possible ramifications of his hypothesis, which, if proven, might be of enormous benefit to mankind. So he petitioned the German government to fund a research programme. “Unfortunately,” he told us with a wry laugh, “I wasted ze first cheque on a hundred lab rats und two hundred pairs of cheese flavoured, edible panties.”

“And what did that teach you?” we asked him.
“Zat a very hungry rodent vill eat more than just ze cheese flavoured panties und does not have ze money to pay for ze very expensive lawsuit ze parents of three young women brought against me.”
Luckily for the professor, he was offered a post at the University of Wanke where an unusually high female population provided him with hundreds of willing participants that enabled him to continue his study using only human subjects.

Since the human male has a congenital predilection to lie incessantly about his sexual prowess, the professor’s team divided the answers given by male students by ten and then compared these results to hard evidence in the lab. This created a more accurate statistical formula on which to base the hypothesis of the study. The answers—coupled to control group analysis of electrical brain activity in males during the contemplation of very large breasts—allowed the boffins to calculate the increase in intelligence.

What resulted was a complete and dependable list, ranging from men who performed the procedure rarely on a few to those who performed it often on a few too many. After several hours of exhaustive oral examination by eager lab girls, the latter group—who the female volunteers dubbed ‘elite cunnilinguists’—then had their IQs tested. Compared to novices who were only slightly more interested in performing cunnilingus than trapping their manhood in a door jamb, the elite cunnilinguists were found to score, on average, 33 points higher in IQ tests. However, the wizards in white coats were not happy to let things end there. With approximately 97.365231 per cent of the cunnilinguists demonstrating a measurable increase in intelligence, Professor Leckenschlurp was initially puzzled why the remaining 2.63477 per cent did not until it was discovered that some students were 'licking the wrong end.'
"Licking the wrong end?" we repeated.
"Zey were exchange students from Kentucky," laughed the professor.

When we asked a leading Education expert to comment on these findings, Gretchen Wunderkind (27) mumbled something that sounded like 'mumph schlurp schlip,' never once removing her pretty blond curls from under the microskirt of our Utterpants researcher. So engrossed did the pair become in furthering the study that our researcher failed to take any notes, though she has since requested a pay raise on the grounds of her increased intellectual capacity.

Critics of Professor Leckenschlurp’s study argue that it has yet to answer the most important question: Why do men do it? According to Dr Hans Fuchs, an eminent sexpert at the University of Texas, the reason is clear. "Men who possess the recessive male intelligence gene intuitively realise that the path to a girl’s panties is more easily travelled by tongue. They may also understand that the act of cunnilingus increases their popularity among the opposite sex and smoothes the way for other parts of their anatomy—occasionally even without the help of beer."

Whatever the motivation, the study has shown that 'tongue surfing’ increases intelligence. Not only are smart men more likely to perform the act, but the longer they’re able to sustain their performance, the more pleasure-giving endorphins are released by the brain and the smarter they become. But the tunnel-tickling scientists were not content until the test group had been licked to the moon and back by more than three hundred diners of varying expertise. The Professor and his group of eager assistants carefully observed and recorded facial expressions, auditory reactions, and the amount of fluid discharged during the course of the study. They then compared the womens' IQ scores with the test results of frigid housewives who submitted to the monthly conjugal ordeal from their overweight husbands. Unsurprisingly, women whose pussies had been recently eaten scored 23 points higher on the tests, whilst those who received regular cunnilingus from women with tongue piercings scored an astonishing 208 points higher.
“Cunnilingus has ze added benefit of relieving ze fear of pregnancy," Professor Leckenschlurp explained as he freshened his mouth with a chocolate mint. "Ze threat of acquiring a sexually transmitted disease also significantly decreases. In addition, women whose lady lips were frequently licked reported fewer colds, yeast infections und better und longer nights sleep—no doubt because zey were exhausted from ze experiments."

An unexpected difficulty in the study dealt with the polynomial nature of the results. As IQ decreased among the female subjects, they received less labial licking from fewer men. This produced a dramatic curve in the graph which the professor believes explains why women with low IQs tend to date men with even lower IQs, resulting in a vicious circle that condemns the least intelligent members of society to a life of unplanned pregnancies, erectile disfunction and sexual frustration. "The bottom line, as one enthusiastic American participant, Dieter Horni, eloquently explained to us is: “Dumb guys don't do it and dumb girls don't get it.”

Another part of the study involved the biochemical testing of vaginal secretions. It had already been deduced that an intelligent woman’s vagina is the smartest, most powerful living creature in the world, able to control wealth, political and international events, and every single thought and action of the entire male population. The smarter the woman, the smarter the pink purse between her legs, and her intelligence was found to be passed on via her girl juices during a good, long pussy pucker. "Cunnilingus increases the male IQ to a phenomenal extent," gushed Professor Leckenschlurp's research assistant, Dr Lisalotte Loch, as she eagerly clamped her lissome thighs around our female researcher's head. "The yummy pussy juices literally intoxicate the boys to want to lick more und more und more...oh Gott yes—lick me faster, darlink!"
When we eventually prised our researcher's lips from the doctor's love button, she went on to explain that vaginal secretions also increase the IQ of women. "When a woman pleasures another woman und zen kisses her on the mouth, especially with such masterful—uhh—mmm—deep tongue action as your lovely assistant is now demonstrating, the secretions stimulate the production of several intelligence-enhancing hormones. So a girl kissing pussy is obviously going to be smarter than any man...oh my gott, don't stop now, I think I'm going to have another, massive orgasm!"

We left our researcher in Dr Loch's capable hands—or possibly between her thighs, and asked the professor if he had identified a specific chemical as being responsible for the increase in intelligence.
"You are thinking of ze newly discovered hormone — hypothalagesterone — or 'pussy smart' as ze press have dubbed it, discovered by ze eminent and gorgeous Dr Gabriella Lovejoy from ze Centre for Neuro-sexual Studies, in London, ja?"
We nodded as the professor continued. "Vell, we're not sure yet, but early results indicate zat copious vaginal secretions trigger several hormones zat are involved in ze increases in intelligence we are seeing through cunnilingus. In fact ve could say zat ze more zey moan ze more hormones are released by ze brain and ze smarter the little whores get!"
The professor chuckled over his little joke before adding that: "Ze great thing about my study is zat it proves boys can also benefit from cunnilingus whereas girls who masturbate to clitoral orgasm only increase zair own intelligence. Not only vud they do even better at school if they got a male friend to lick them out, but ze male friend would benefit too. Dr Lovejoy's research voz, quite frankly, a serious blow to ze already declining standards of male intelligence, but my study clearly shows zat cunnilingus makes everyone a winner, baby!"

This, according to Professor Leckenschlurp, is why smart men get smarter, and the dumb ones get elected to high political office. But none of this cuts any ice with fundamentalist Tele-Evangelists like the Reverend Percy Pants who continue to preach against cunnilingus, despite the fact that they may be dooming their followers to a life of intellectual inferiority, if not outright stupidity. Yet not all evangelical Christians are swallowing such right-wing dogma, as we discovered when we spoke to Cherry Hindlick, the sixteen year old president of the West Texas chapter of the Young Baptists Chastity League, who told us: "Sure, I’ve kissed probably, like fifty guys and let a couple hundred eat me out, but I’ve never fucked anyone. I must’ve had like, several thousand multiple orgasms, but I’m still a virgin!”

"It's early days yet," said the professor, "but I am quietly confident zat once we hev extended ze study to include a very much larger group of test subjects my theories will receive ze recognition zay deserve."
"So you're asking for more volunteers?" asked our reporter, trying unsuccessfully to conceal the enormous bulge that was rapidly filling his trousers.
"Do you have a tongue piercing?" asked Dr Lisalotte Loch breathlessly.
"No.." he replied, "but I could get one real quickly..."

The modern world is full of complicated situations in which intelligence makes the difference between success and failure. So any behaviour that increases our intelligence should be embraced with open arms—if not shaking, widespread thighs. Utterpants applauds the Professor’s groundbreaking research because smart girls know that the best way to lick a problem is by using their heads.

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