A spokestyperson for Ofweb explained the size of the problem to Utterpants: "The Internet has been overrun by the raging hormones of America's teenage male population. They're over-sexed, under-educated and all over us. With so little pornography available to American boys since President Bush clamped down on the US sex industry and the almost total success of abstinence programmes in states like Tennessee and Louisiana where women are waiting until their late thirties—or even longer to have sex—American kids are increasingly turning to British websites to release their sexual tensions. Unfortunately, language difficulties mean that ignorant Americans are increasingly hitting on UK websites devoted to shorthaired pussies, shower pumps, cheap cigarettes and agricultural implements in the mistaken belief that these sites contain pornography."

"Agricultural implements?" we asked bemusedly.
"Hoes," replied the spokestypeperson. "Apparently, Americans want to have sex with them."
"How curious," we remarked. "And the cigarettes?"
"I'm told there is a shortage of cheap fags in America."
"And the showers?"
"Don't ask."

Ainsley Marjoribanks—a veteran webmaster who has had seven pet-care websites taken down by sex-crazed American adolescents after he published an article entitled 'How to wash a British shorthair pussy' — described the typical American teenage weblogger to us:
"Imagine a pitch-dark bedroom somewhere in Kansas, furnished and decorated by a paranoid schizophrenic with the intellectual capacity of a small ruminant and the sexual organs of a gerbil. It is chaotically strewn with baggy trousers, soiled speedos, greasy baseball caps, empty beer cans and posters of Britney Spears. Suddenly, a dishevelled figure shuffles into the room and lowers his fat teenage bottom into a stained armchair. Tears of joy well up in his leering, bloodshot eyes, which glow in the reflection of his computer monitor—the only light source in the foetid pit in which he lives out his useless existence. He taps excitedly at his filthy keyboard and another link is added to his weblog. Within minutes, a million other identical Neanderthals copy the link and another British website is driven off the Internet as America's teen webloggers simultaneously hit on a picture of a British shorthair pussy."

“The abysmal quality of these teen weblogs has to be seen to be believed," commented Rebecca Mountjoy, an IT specialist we consulted. “I have heard that there are bloggers out there who produce original, well-written stuff, but I've yet to find one. It's just a kind of mutual adolescent cyber masturbation. They see the words 'pussy' or 'shower' and automatically hit ‘send’ and another billion gobs of gism are ejaculated onto the Internet. Short of castrating the little fuckers there's not a lot we can do about it from our end."

We put her pessimistic comments to the deputy-director of Ofweb.
"Funny you should mention castration," the unfortunately named Mike Hunt, told us gleefully, "Our backroom johnnies are working on a clever little Trojan which should give these gism jockeys a nasty jolt."
"How do you mean?" we asked.
"It logs American IP addresses accessing British websites and downloads itself onto the hard drives of users searching for keywords like 'hoe', 'fags' and 'pussy."
"Then what happens?"
"Ah, that's the really clever bit," grinned Mr Hunt, rubbing his hands together, "It transmits an electrical signal through their mouse which targets the centre in the brain that controls muscular contractions."

"We're not with you?" we asked.
"It literally squeezes the little wanker's nuts until their eyes water!"
"Astonishing," we replied. "It sounds like a triumph of British spunk over American gism."
"That's why we're calling it the 'nutcracker', enthused the deputy-director.
"But surely IP addresses can be 'spoofed," we asked?"
Mike Hunt leant back in his chair and burst into peels of laughter. "We're talking about seventeen-year-old male American teenagers from the Mid-west," he replied. "The ignorant tossers can't even tie their own shoelaces."

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