Teens hit on British Felines|
By our pussycat amongst webhamsters,
Miranda S Givings
|London — the UK Internet watchdog, Ofweb, hit out today at American teen weblogs—self-obsessed, slang-riddled online diaries notorious for their 'innovative' spelling, stomach-churning page design and hypertext temper tantrums—which are in danger of driving British websites off the Internet|
A spokestyperson for Ofweb explained the size of the problem to Utterpants: "The Internet has been overrun by the raging hormones of America's teenage male population. They're over-sexed, under-educated and all over us. With so little pornography available to American boys since President Bush clamped down on the US sex industry and the almost total success of abstinence programmes in states like Tennessee and Louisiana where women are waiting until their late thirties—or even longer to have sex—American kids are increasingly turning to British websites to release their sexual tensions. Unfortunately, language difficulties mean that ignorant Americans are increasingly hitting on UK websites devoted to shorthaired pussies, shower pumps, cheap cigarettes and agricultural implements in the mistaken belief that these sites contain pornography."
"Agricultural implements?" we asked bemusedly.
Ainsley Marjoribanks—a veteran webmaster who has had seven pet-care
websites taken down by sex-crazed American adolescents after he published
an article entitled 'How
to wash a British shorthair pussy' — described the typical
American teenage weblogger to us:
“The abysmal quality of these teen weblogs has to be seen to be believed," commented Rebecca Mountjoy, an IT specialist we consulted. “I have heard that there are bloggers out there who produce original, well-written stuff, but I've yet to find one. It's just a kind of mutual adolescent cyber masturbation. They see the words 'pussy' or 'shower' and automatically hit ‘send’ and another billion gobs of gism are ejaculated onto the Internet. Short of castrating the little fuckers there's not a lot we can do about it from our end."
We put her pessimistic comments to the deputy-director of Ofweb.
"We're not with you?" we asked.
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