The bouncing baby, aptly named 'Apple Lisa Macintosh' by her delighted parents, was delivered by a crack team of Taiwanese hardware engineers at a London hospital after what Paltrow's husband, IT consultant, Chris Martin, described as 'a triumph of technology over Nature.' Baby Apple weighed in at an astonishing 9 pounds, 11 ounces — some 30 pounds lighter than any previous human computer. Gwyneth's gynaecologist, Dr Steven Jobsworth, told Utterpants he was 'ecstatic' at the news and went on to enthuse about this miracle of 21st Century medical science:
"This baby will revolutionise communications. With it's amazing new visual technology, built-in audio and blisteringly fast neural-net processing, Apple will simply blaze through tasks that take adults weeks — if not years to accomplish. She's already written a 'thank you' letter to me and has started editing the video footage of her birth!"

The proud parents are equally enthusiastic about Apple's precocious development as we discovered when we telephoned Gwyneth Paltrow at her London home.
"She grew her first bluetooth today," cooed the excited starlet, "and read the entire Encarta encyclopaedia before breakfast. Chris and I are both 900 miles over the moon."

But how was this incredible miracle accomplished? Dr Steven Jobsworth explained:
"As soon as Gwyneth knew she was pregnant she came straight to me and said she wanted to give birth to her first offspring through the Jobs Way."
"Jobs Way?" we asked.
"A revolutionary new birthing method pioneered in 1997 by myself and Professor Wozniak of Wroclaw which implants a tiny microprocessor into the fertilised ovum. From then on, the embedded genetic programme takes care of everything."
"Astonishing," we commented.

"It was Professor Wozniak who chose the name Apple," Gwyneth told us. "I wanted to call her Apricot, but Steve said that might lead to her being teased at school. I mean, what sort of parents would we be if we named our daughter after a fruit?"

Read the follow-up to this story: Computer Giant to sue Gwyneth Paltrow

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Story © 2004 Miranda S Givings. Pictures and design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk