Blunkett introduces sweeping new anti-terrorist measures
By our woman in black,
Miranda S Givings
|Far sighted British Home Secretary, David Blindgit, announced a raft of radical new measures today in response to widespread criticism that his introduction of compulsory ID cards does not go far enough in tackling the war on terror|
The most controversial measure will require the fitting of electronic surveillance tags to selected members of the population by November 5th. We at Utterpants applaud the new proposals which have been hailed as 'the final nail in the coffin of foreign johnnies hell bent on undermining our traditional freedoms'.
We have obtained a leaked copy of a secret government memo which spells out in reassuring detail just how far David Blindgit is prepared to go to defeat the enemies of freedom and democracy poised to destroy the very fabric of our decent, British society. The memo goes on to list several other commendable anti-terrorist measures guaranteed to loosen the sphincters of anyone foolish enough to pull the wool over the Home Secretary's eyes:
An 'undesirables register' of suspected foreigners, homosexuals, journalists and anyone not in possession of a Labour Party membership card.
Random 'patriotism tests' which will require every citizen over the age of sixteen to recite the complete text of the government's 'Preparing for Emergencies' booklet.
Strip searches of suspicious looking persons for concealed copies of Michael Moore's scurrilous anti-American propaganda.
The electronic tagging trial will involve implanting approximately 1,279,604 people from three major cities, Bradford, Leicester and Birmingham, with what Blingit calls 'a discreet global positioning device'. Once the scheme is successful it will be extended across the country — with the possible exception of Sheffield, County Durham and Hull. To prevent tampering, each compulsory volunteer will be surgically implanted with a tracking device about the size of a ten pence coin inside the left armpit. The device will send a signal to three orbiting satellites which will keep Home Office staff informed of the wearers location at all times. And not before time, we say!
In addition to these welcome new security measures, The compulsory new ID card (a snip at just £279.99 from all Post Offices and Labour Party offices from November 5th) will contain a holographic picture, detailed biometric personal information encoded in a 'smart chip' and a unique number which will identity the owner on a central database. The leaked Home Office memo spells out that the 'personal information' on the card will include your name, age, your sexual partners and their orientation, your job, your bank and credit card details, and in the case of women, your bra and cup size. Seems fair enough to us given that female terrorists are notorious for concealing explosive substances in their underwear.
Currently the UK uses electronic monitoring for approximately 192,207 people. Implanted device tracking, however, will allow the precise monitoring of the movement of the entire population, making it possible for the first time to keep an eye — or possibly two eyes — on what citizens get up to in private and what sexual positions they favour. Damn good show, we say! We all know it's only filthy foreign johnnies who like to bowl from the pavillion end.
But all this is just the short end of an enormous wedgie, which will transform this haven of terrorists, scroungers and whining liberals, into a land fit for law-abiding patriots to live in. The leaked document reveals that the use of automatic number plate recognition will be expanded to cover the entire country by 2006, to help identify cars of particular interest to the Home Office. Well if that doesn't put a stop to all those bloody Palestinian suicide bombers swanning around London in their 4x4's, we don't know what will.
In addition, new entry and exit monitoring systems are being installed at all ports and airports to automatically check travellers against databases of individuals who pose a security risk, all backed up infra-red 'body sniffers', iris recognition scanners, passive millimetric wave imagers and heartbeat detection equipment. So if your boyfriend has just slipped his hand into your knickers and your heart is racing you can expect to have your collar hauled into the nearest 'interview' room faster than you can say 'compulsory ID card', and bloody well serve you right for carrying on like a cheap tart from Baghdad!
Big brother? Not a bit of it. Utterpants salutes our far-sighted Home Secretary who is making this country a safer place for all of us, unless, of course you have something to hide?
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