Her Imperial Royalness began by apologizing to her 279 million subjects (682,476,208 if you include the former United States of America), for the appalling policies of George W Bush and Tony Bliar, whom she called 'Quite possibly the most poisonous pimples ever to fester on the bottom of humanity.' Her Divine Majestiness went on to explain that under statutes passed by her ancestor, King Charles II, she had dissolved Parliament and placed the Cabinet under house arrest pending an impartial investigation by Lord Hutton into accusations of 'warmongering', 'tampering with Civil Liberties' and having been to the wrong Public Schools.

Within hours of the announcement, British troops began a strategic withdrawal from Iraq and a flotilla of eight destroyers, two aircraft carriers, five nuclear submarines and a restored, five-masted tea clipper set sail from Plymouth for the former United States carrying 20,000 battle-hardened British squaddies. In addition, 7,000 troops from the crack SAS regiment armed with copies of the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary, cricket bats and semi-automatic, warm beer dispensers, parachuted into Washington and other major US cities to begin the process of restoring British rule after a gap of 229 years.

Utterpants was given exclusive access to Her Majestiness in recognition of our loyalty to the Crown and our resolute attacks upon the arch war-criminals Tony Bliar and George W Bush. We are proud to be the first news agency to provide the full text of Her Majesty's address to the American People; a people for whom Queen Liz II has the warmest regard and deepest respect, although she did point out to our reporter that she's a bit pissed off by your appalling table manners and inability to speak her language properly.

Her Royal Magnanimousness began by saying: "In the light of my subjects' failure to elect a President who cannot make a speech without eschewing verbs and has signally failed to subdue a lot of revolting foreign johnnies wearing striped tea towels on their heads, we have decided to revoke your independence from today.

My Sovereign Royalness will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. (Except Ohio, which I'm told is full of the most awful, revolting oiks.) I will shortly be appointing Sir Greebling Beauchamp-Featherstonehaugh as Governor of America without the need for any further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid the transition to a British Crown Dependency, several, sensible new rules will be introduced with immediate effect.

You should look up 'revocation' in the Shorter Oxford English Dictionary my soldiers will be handing out to you. Then look up 'aluminium.' Please pay careful attention to the pronunciation guide. You will be astonished at just how badly you have been mispronouncing it. Please note that whilst 'plutonium' and 'uranium' also end in 'nium', you have consistently singled out 'aluminium' for special treatment. This is an example of the sort of favouritism that landed you in this mess. The letter 'U' will be also be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than bone idleness on your part and will no longer be tolerated. Equally, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee'). You will also learn that the name of your new Governor is pronounced 'Beecham-Fanshaw' and not 'Bo-champ-Feather-stone-hawg'.

Generally, you should try to broaden your vocabulary to include at least seven common verbs and a dozen prepositions. Look up 'verb' and 'preposition'. The use of such meaningless neologisms as 'insurgentory' and 'freedomification' favoured by your dyslexic ex-president interspersed with incomprehensible grunts and 'like' and 'y'know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up 'incomprehensible' There will be no more 'bleeps' in the Oprah Winfrey show. If you're not old enough to cope with naughty words then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to broaden your vocabulary you won't need to use bad language so often.

There is no such thing as 'US English.' We will let Bill Gates know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the Microsoft corporation will be absorbed into the BBC.

Baseball caps, baggy trousers (with or without Rupert Bear checks) and white trainers—or 'tennis shoes'—as you will not be permitted to call them any longer, are unacceptable attire for civilized persons. Women should wear frocks at all times and men should wear woolen suits and suitable headgear (a trilby—or during the four days of Summer—an Oxford straw boater). On no account will ladies be permitted to decorate their midriffs with cheap jewellery or go out without a hat and gloves.

Hollywood will be required to stop casting American actresses who talk in squeaky Donald Duck accents as British ladies. British sit-coms such as 'Men Behaving Badly' or 'Coupling' will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who don't understand sarcasm, faint at the sight of a naked breast and can't cope with political incorrectness.

American 'football' will no longer be tolerated. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as 'football' in America is a game only fit for girls and gay boys. The 0.05% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays 'American' football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played it with girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you who are brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a lot of lily-livered Nancy boys. You should stop playing baseball. It is quite unreasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside America and no one else is remotely interested in. Since only 0.05% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable but unforgivable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called 'rounders' which is baseball without fancy team colours, oversized gloves, collector cards and 'hotdogs' and does not require the presence of twenty-eight shrieking teenage girls flashing their silicone implants at the crowd.

You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a rolled-up umbrella. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry an umbrella in public.

July 4th will no longer a public holiday. April 1st will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called 'Revocation Day.'

All American cars will be consigned to the crusher. They are overweight, underpowered, petrol-guzzling abortions that handle like a pregnant pig on ice and squeal like one when they are shown a modest bend in the road. Once we show you a Lotus Elise, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric without the benefit of any conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

You will learn how to make proper chips. Those things you call French fries are not proper chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the tourist who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called 'crisps.' Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served lukewarm and flat. All waitresses will be trained to be surly and aggressive and never to ask whether a customer enjoyed their meal. Diners will no longer be permitted to cut up their food before eating or eat solely with a plastic fork. If you can't learn to use cutlery like civilized people you will be given bowls of porridge and wooden spoons until you do. Cutlery should always be dirty and tablecloths should remain unwashed.

As a sign of contrition for your ancestors' insubordination and rebellion, five grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. You will no longer be permitted to drink 'iced tea'. No one else does.

The freezing cold, tasteless muck you insist on calling 'beer' is not actually beer at all, it is imitation lager and a very bad imitation at that. From July 4th 2005 only proper British Bitter will be referred to as 'beer' and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as 'Lager.' The tasteless beverages formerly known as 'American Beer' will henceforth be referred to as 'Near-Frozen Gnats' Piss', with the exception of the products of the American Budweiser company, which will be referred to as 'Weak Near-Frozen Gnats' Piss.' This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1,000 years in Pilsen, in the Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.

Sex. You will no longer be permitted to enjoy sex. Sex is not something decent people enjoy. The sexual enjoyment you see portrayed on British television shows and in the British Press is simulated for American audiences and dirty foreigners who don't know any better. The British only have sex within wedlock, behind closed doors and under the bedcovers with the lights off, and then only to procreate the race. Consequently anyone caught enjoying sex will be publicly flogged before being sent to the Falkland Islands—or possibly Guantanamo Bay—for compulsory re-education.

From the 1st January 2006, the UK will harmonise petrol (or 'Gasoline' as you will not be permitted to keep calling it after 31st December 2005) prices with the former USA. That is to say, the Former USA will adopt UK petrol prices, currently equivalent to roughly $8.00 a US gallon. The US dollar will no longer be legal tender after this date. Those of you who have savings in US dollars will be allowed to exchange them at the rate of eight to the British pound—in line with the exchange rate which was in force in 1776.

You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without shooting or suing someone or consulting a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle anything more lethal than an umbrella (see above).

Welcome to the British Commonwealth!"

Editorial note: This story is loosely based on a satirical letter which exists in various versions, both on and offline, which has now passed into Internet folklore. Despite claims that it was authored by British comedian John Cleese in 2000, it was apparently originally penned by Alan Baxter, from the UK, who posted a very much shorter version than ours to an internal newsgroup hosted by his employer in November 2000. The story is thought to have subsequently escaped into the wild when Peter Rieden, also from the UK., extended it and posted it to a USENET newsgroup. Thereafter, the story quickly spread far and wide, and within days newspapers in the UK were running even longer versions. Our version differs significantly from most others in circulation, not only in its additional, unique content and in not itemising the Queen's demands, but also in being written as a news story. So, whilst many people have undoubtedly had a hand in shaping the many variations of this humorous lampoon which now exist, John Cleese is almost certainly not one of them—unless you know different!

We are grateful to Snopes.com for much of this information. You can read their full version of events by clicking this link.

PLEASE NOTE: Despite being based on an apocryphal story, this article is copyright. If you nick it, we will sue the pants off you!

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© 2005 Miranda S Givings and utterpants.co.uk/ 170605 /A220905