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Confused Democrats mistakenly rejoice over Google News Confused Democrats mistakenly rejoice over Google News

By our man with his finger on America's jugular, Dale Petrie

When disgruntled Democrats turned on their computers last Sunday to google the latest news, they were met with two big stories, resulting in premature ejaculations of joy when the two headlines were read together to make a splash that warmed the hearts of disenfranchised liberals across America

The first story reported Dick Cheney’s visit to a D.C. hospital for the evaluation of chest pains. Yet the emotive headline: 'Cheney Hospitalized for Chest Pains,' turned out to reveal nothing more serious than that the Vice President had caught a cold — possibly from hanging about in draughty corridors listening at keyholes.

It is no secret that Cheney, who has become somewhat of a lightning rod for liberal hatred, would not be greatly missed by the left wing of American politics should his ticker finally give out. Even staunch Rethuglicans have wondered, albeit sotte voce, why someone with four heart attacks under their belt and a life-threatening blood disorder, has not expired long ago. Indeed, nothing would delight 48% of American voters more, except possibly the prospect of President Bush choking to death on a salty snack whilst noshing on the First Lady's beef curtains.

The second big news story of the day was the untimely passing of hip hop pioneer and Wu Tang Clan front man ODB, aka Ol' Dirty Bastard, Big Baby Jesus, Russell Jones, Chicken Pot Pie, Red Headed Stepchild or Big Fucking Idiot, depending on what he wanted to be called on any given day. ODB was reported to have passed out in his recording studio and died before paramedics could reach him, unless one believes his wife, who contends that he died in his sleep after giving her what she describes as 'a mind-blowing orgasm'. Which is more than could be gleaned from the headline Google News ran, which simply read: 'Ol' Dirty Bastard Collapses and Dies.'

The problem for liberal optimists was that both these stories were released at about 5 pm Eastern Time on Sunday November 14, one on top of the other, resulting in an unprecedented rush on liquor stores around the country. Disenfranchised Democrats who'd been hoping for news of Cheney’s untimely death for the past four years started to party after gleefully reading, 'Cheney Hospitalized for Chest Pains. Old Dirty Bastard Collapses and Dies'. Ecstatic lesbian baby killers and atheistical faggot lovers could hardly contain their joy as they celebrated Cheney’s long overdue death.

But the wild parties which filled abortion clinics and Gay bars to overflowing from coast to coast, were suddenly cut short when the two top stories of the day were separated by a third item which loudly trumpeted the surprising news that 'Fries Found to Make You Fat'. As many deeply disappointed Democrats threw themselves off roofs in despair, the few remaining optimists drew solace from the uplifting news that MoveOn.org founder, Eli Pariser, was planning to jump out from behind a bush and 'scare the bejeezus' out of Cheney anytime soon.

This is not the first time Google News has been the source of confusion and controversy by running two headlines together. Most notably, during the paedophilia scandal which rocked the Catholic Church a few years ago, which coincided with the riveting news that baby bouncer, Michael Jackson, was working on his greatest hits album. This resulted in Google concatenating the two headlines as 'Michael Jackson to Release Greatest Hits Package. The House that Paedophilia Built.'

Perhaps it's best for Democrats to stick to Fox News and CNN.

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Story © 2004 Dale Petrie. Picture and construction © 2004 utterpants.co.uk / 161104

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