Rumsfeld wins 2004 BAFTOYS|
An exclusive report by our woman in the media,
Miranda S Givings
|Donald Rumsfeld was named 'Tosser of the Year' after winning all five nominations at the UK's most prestigious media awards ceremony|
At this year's BAFTOY's (British Academy Fatuous Tosser of the Year Awards) held in Purley, England, US Defence Secretary Ronald Dumbsfeld, swept the board by winning all five nominations: Performance by a Tosser in a leading role, Speech not in any recognisable language, The Reverend Spooner Award, Performance by a Tosser in a supporting role and Outstanding Achievement in empty rhetoric.
Dumbsfeld is the first "Tosser of the Year" since Peter Mandelstone to win every nomination at the UK's most prestigious media bash. Stunned delegates listened dumb-founded as the captious cretin, renowned for his mastery of the Byzantine non sequitur, demonstrated his command of irregular malapropisms in an acceptance speech that was as incomprehensible as his taste in ties.
"This award is an abdominal lie. I never said the things they
say I said," said the lubricious looney. "It's just a fiction
of your imagination. You may remember thinking I said it, but you're
thinking of somebody else or some other place. You can't find, anywhere,
anyplace, me saying anything like either of the things you just said
I said to win this award."
"Like weapons of mass destruction?" quipped one British
"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say - we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know. And if one looks throughout the history of our country and other free countries in the demographic world, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones to categorise categorically."
When asked what it felt like to receive the 'Tosser of Year' award,
At that point our reporter was violently sick and had to be assisted from the hall.