At this year's BAFTOY's (British Academy Fatuous Tosser of the Year Awards) held in Purley, England, US Defence Secretary Ronald Dumbsfeld, swept the board by winning all five nominations: Performance by a Tosser in a leading role, Speech not in any recognisable language, The Reverend Spooner Award, Performance by a Tosser in a supporting role and Outstanding Achievement in empty rhetoric.

Dumbsfeld is the first "Tosser of the Year" since Peter Mandelstone to win every nomination at the UK's most prestigious media bash. Stunned delegates listened dumb-founded as the captious cretin, renowned for his mastery of the Byzantine non sequitur, demonstrated his command of irregular malapropisms in an acceptance speech that was as incomprehensible as his taste in ties.

"This award is an abdominal lie. I never said the things they say I said," said the lubricious looney. "It's just a fiction of your imagination. You may remember thinking I said it, but you're thinking of somebody else or some other place. You can't find, anywhere, anyplace, me saying anything like either of the things you just said I said to win this award."
When our distinguished webmistress challenged him to explain what he meant, (if anything) the tortuous tosser replied:
"There's another way to phrase that and that is that the presence of evidence is not the evidence of presence. It is basically saying the same thing in a different way. Simply because you say you have evidence that something exists does not mean that it does."

"Like weapons of mass destruction?" quipped one British journalist.
"I can assert the truth of it without fear of contraception. We do know of certain knowledge that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction in the past, or has them hidden someplace, or they are in some other country, or he'll have them in the future."
"Are you seriously predicting that Saddam will have weapons in the future?" retorted an irate US reporter, waving his fists at the quibbling quisling.
"I would not say that the future is necessarily less predictable than the past. I think the past was not predictable when it started."
"Bollocks!" shouted the editor of the 'Purley Post'.
"You haven't answered my question." persisted the pugnacious American pugilist.
At that point most delegates gave up trying the follow the circumlocutious conversationalist and called loudly for his removal from the podium. But the specious sophist droned on:
"If I said yes, that would then suggest that that might be the only time where it might be possible, which would not be accurate, necessarily accurate. It might also not be inaccurate, but I'm disinclined to answer because no one should be placed on the horns of such an enema."
This was too much for the British members of the audience, who walked out clutching their stomachs. The Americans were made of sterner stuff and remained to be treated to a recording of the wriggling windbag's award-winning speech, delivered to a bewildered UN General Assembly last December.

"Reports that say that something hasn't happened are always interesting to me, because as we know, there are known knowns; there are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns; that is to say - we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns - the ones we don't know we don't know. And if one looks throughout the history of our country and other free countries in the demographic world, it is the latter category that tend to be the difficult ones to categorise categorically."

When asked what it felt like to receive the 'Tosser of Year' award, Dumbsfeld replied:
"The dumbest thing anyone could do would be to stand up here and start previewing things that somebody's thinking about or not thinking about or starting to disabuse you of each thing somebody tells you that they thought you were thinking about, because then the first time we don't disabuse you of what we thought you were thinking, you'd think - aha! That's what they're thinking about!"

At that point our reporter was violently sick and had to be assisted from the hall.

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say.
© 2004 utterpants.co.uk