Donald Rumsfeld slams degenerate Brits
by our woman in Westminster,
Miranda S Givings
|Americans basked in a warm glow of moral superiority today after US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld lashed out at what he called 'The UK's degenerate sexual morality'|
Citing a rash of 'chocolate speedway riding, frottage and fellatio' as the direct cause of Britain's failure to support the hugely successful, internationally acclaimed US peace process in Iraq, the eloquent Republican went on to express his disgust at the huge numbers of young British women who are apparently lining up, tongues a-quiver, to 'sup at the spring of Sappho.'
"Let's not beat about the bush," thundered the censorious secretary, "It's time that these yellow-bellied, tea-swilling, moral degenerates got with the fucking programme! Halliburton executives on the ground have interviewed hundreds of female British soldiers in Fallujah and not one of the damned bitches had refused an invitation to sail into the harbour of Lesbos! No wonder the fucking whores aint got the stomach to give our brave boys the support they need to flush out the few remaining terrorists! The guys are no better. Every time we call on our British allies for assistance we find the sick bastards taking it up the ass from the enemies of freedom and democracy. What is it with you Brits? Is buggery the national sport over there?"
Captain Tracy Mountjoy, a top 'human resources liaison officer' at Abu Ghraib prison outside Baghdad, was only too pleased to confirm to Utterpants that she often dives for clams in the aforementioned port, her appetite for seafood undiminished by her equally enthusiastic consumption of prime American beef. The attractive twenty-nine-year-old blond quickly launched into a lengthy — and, in our view, unnecessarily detailed — eulogy on the comparative merits of single and double penetration, which we were compelled to cut short when she insisted on showing us her labial piercings.
According to the latest UK Ministry of Defence statistics, girl-on-girl is now the young British female squaddie's equivalent of the 9/11 terrorist attack. As soon as she hits Iraq, the degenerate British daughter of Lesbos straps on a weapon of mass destruction and launches herself at the nearest available target, usually another, sapphic slut only too keen to be bowled from the pavillion end if it means getting a sick note from the pussy doctor and keeping out of the line of fire.
So there you have it, our brave boys and girls are risking a frightening variety of communicable diseases in order to avoid being shot at by fanatical terrorists — or possibly strafed by trigger-happy US marines in helicopter gunships. Can we altogether blame them for worshipping at the shrine of Sappho or sliding down the chocolate chimney when the alternative is having their finest parts scattered across the desert sands?
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