The art of Public Speaking by George Bush|
By our cunning linguist,
Miranda S Givings
|America's answer to the Reverend William Spooner astonished the world of lexicography when he attended the signing of his new book on Public Speaking at Macy's, on 7th Avenue, in New York this morning|
'Bushed for Time' — (not available
in Iraq, Afghanistan, North Korea or to Michael Moore) has shot straight
to the top of the US Fiction best-seller list since the President's
re-election. One anonymous aesthete summed up the book's phenomenal
success in these words: "Congress wouldn't act; no publisher's
reader would touch it with a six foot blue pencil, so the dyslexic despot
signed an executive order that every store in the country had to stock
fifty copies or he'd ship 'em out to interrogate 'Islamaist
insurgentories in Eyerack."
One impressionable young female intern we spoke to was so taken with
the tortologous Tyrant's text that she bought eight copies. We asked
We eventually cornered the obtuse orator in the Military section of
the bookstore where he took time out from flipping through the pages
of a Sylvester Stallone colouring book to tell Utterpants
what had prompted him to write the book.
"As I recall,
my friend Tony Bliar, who I recently made Honorary Governor of East
Texas, was worried about my writing such a specialiatory book. He said
I should focus on English. I still hear that quite often from my British
friends. But they don't realise I'm speaking in the perfect form and
idiom of ancient Amurkan."
"Look, I didn't get where I am today by beating about the bush. Not that I do beat bush. Well, except that nigger who claims I got her pregnant. But Karl's on her case so she can kiss her bush — I mean, her ass — goodbye. Look, you've got to learn to say yes to the good guys and no to the bad guys. Well those guys who didn't want to publish my book are the bad guys — they're no better than terroristical synthesisers. So I went to the good guys, that's me; and that's that."
"Are you saying that the world's leading lexicographers are part
of the axis of Evil?"
We assumed the pedantic President was referring to the University
of Oxford who have called his book 'the worst waste of trees since Mein
Kampf was translated into Esperanto', and asked him point-blank
for his response.
Tough words from a tough turkey, but what did he mean? We tried to
pin down the prolix propagandist by asking him if he thought Europe
was a threat to the new American imperialism.
We asked why he'd got Tony Bliar to write the foward to 'Bushed
"So this book is directed at the British reader as much as Americans?"
"You're misconceiving my meaning," mouthed the meretricious malaproprist. "For every fatal shooting in our great country, there are roughly six non-fatal shootings. And, frankly, that sucks. It's not compatible with the freedoms we Americans enjoy. It's just plain unacceptable, and I'm gonna do something about it, I mean I am doing something about it by sending our brave young men out to places like Britain where they don't have many fatal shootings at all. The great thing about America is that we're Americans. You can't say that about the British. Don't misconstruct me. I like Britain. We got a good, close relationship with Britain. Got a few sticking points, though. We've got an issue on meat, for example. I've made it pretty darn clear to Tony that we need to get this meat issue licked and get British women chewing on more American meat."
"British women are
mostly vegetarian," we explained.