The top Arab TV news channel in the Middle East, al-Jizz, led with the shocking footage on its Saturday evening news bulletin broadcast from it's headquarters atop Fatima's Lap dancing club in downtown Fallujah.

"The video clips released by the Al-Jizz news network show the most repulsive and immoral practices by Arab women against innocent US servicemen going about their normal business," a tight-lipped spokestyperson wearing a dark suit and sunglasses told our reporter.

"If the images were a shock to World public opinion, the shock in Crawford, Texas has been much greater," continued the outraged source. "Mr Bush considers the images an attack on the American values of decency and freedom which are meant to humiliate and insult Americans on top of the abuse they already suffer from small Arab boys throwing half-eaten double-whoppers at them."

"US servicemen are very angry and ready to move at any moment. This may also hold true for the armed forces," an anonymous correspondent commentated.

British Prime Minister and honorary member for North Texas, Tony Blair, expressed 'deep dismay at the video clips' and US Secretary of State for Defense, Ronald Dumbsfeld condemned them as 'un-American'. Both Jacques Chirac, the French Premier, and Gerhard Schroeder, the German Chancellor were unavailable for comment but are said to be 'highly disgusted' — or possibly 'highly amused', we're not sure which, as our translator unaccountably suffered a massive hysterical attack when she was viewing the video footage.

So what's actually in the video footage that has so incensed decent Americans?
"Fallujah Femmes flagellate fat US pigs", was the headline Egypt's Mustapha Fagh newspaper splashed across its front page above photographs of doe-eyed Bagdadh babes in burqas 'disciplining' semi-naked US soldiers wearing leather masks. Stills released by the al-Jizz news agency showed an entire platoon of terrified young US marines receiving what has come to be known in US presidential circles as a 'Full Clinton' at the hands of three sadistic Arab women.
In another clip, gangs of Arab children as young as eight and nine are shown baring their bottoms to US soldiers in full view of watching Halliburton executives. One young sadist is heard to shout that Mr Bush 'is so far up his own ass it would take a team of weapons inspectors to find his brain.' Another openly urinated on two sleeping US soldiers and then complained when they confiscated his X-box in retaliation.

Reporting the story, state-controlled Fox News said: "Our brave boys are suffering various types of physical and psychological torture out there in Eyerack. As the difficult situation there continues, the intensity of the harsh human suffering of US servicemen through the bizarre and immoral practices of a few sick women make a peaceful handover in June virtually impossible."

In the UK, the BBC — a popular liberal state-controlled news agency — quoted a former Iraqi Presidential pool attendant to Saddam Hussein as saying the 'ghastly action by these women will adversely affect the harmonious relationship the Iraqi people have established with their US liberators who have brought peace, prosperity and freedom to my country.'

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Story © 2004 Brianna Banks. Construction and picture © 2004 utterpants.co.uk