George Bush Slams Tony Blair
By our man in the line of fire, Derek Tree
President Bush's 'special relationship' with his staunchest ally, Tony Blair, received a mortal blow today when he slammed the British Prime Minister after crack British troops 'accidentally' attacked a force of 10,000 US marines in northern Iraq
The US troops—personally authorised by President George W Bush to secure the release of foreign hostages—or possibly two senior Halliburton executives who were engaged in fitting out Fallujah's first Las Vegas style casino, were attacked without warning earlier today by Scottish squaddies under the command of maverick Black Watch commander, Lt-Col Sir Hamish MacDuff.
Sources not at all close to George W Bush, but who are not averse to leaking information in exchange for enormous wodges of untraceable cash, told utterpants that the President has threatened to 'nuke Blair's ass' and complained that: 'you've screwed with me for the last time, you dumb fuck!'
In a secret email intercepted by Al Jizz—the impartial
Saudi Arabian News agency—President Bush is alleged to have
told Dick Cheney:
Mr Bush then called for the resignation of British Defence Minister Geoff Hoon, a blanket ban on the import of Tea and the immediate return of the Diebold voting machines he sent Mr Blair to secure his re-election during the 2005 British General Election.
The British troops, led by the 1st Battalion The Black Watch, moved into position just south of a force of US marines massed outside Fallujah, early yesterday evening. The area around the town has seen relentless attacks on US fast food outlets as well as kidnappings and murders of US sex tourists—with the possible exception of Exxon executives, who have been strangely immune from attack. Soon after dawn two US helicopter gunships opened up on what were thought to be a band of marauding Iraqis scavenging for chocolate-based snacks, but were later revealed to have been a 350-strong detachment of Scotland's finest regiment led by maverick Black Watch commander, Lt-Col Sir Hamish MacDuff.
The marines met fierce opposition from what one shaken US soldier described as 'A bunch of homicidal maniacs in striped dresses wielding fucking great swords' and a helpful British journalist pointed out were: 'kilts' and 'claymores'—a traditional, two-handed Scottish broadsword capable of slicing a man in two in less time than it takes a man who has been sliced in two to scream: 'SHEET! Some limey bastard's sliced me in two!'
Tony Blair admitted this morning that 'some British troops might have accidentally caused a little collateral damage' during the assault on Fallujah, flatly contradicting assurances from his Defence Secretary that the Black Watch were still in their barracks south of Baghdad watching Fahrenheit 9/11—or possibly Texan Cheerleaders Cumfest Action—Part three.
His admission came as Utterpants spoke via our bluetooth satellite-uplink to the flamboyant Scottish commander of the 850-strong Black Watch at his headquarters in a converted brothel, in which Saddam Hussein is said to have had 'explosive sex' with an inflatable doll resembling Congolese Rice.
We began by asking Lt-Col Sir Hamish MacDuff why he had deliberately
attacked the US marines.
"You don't have any helicopter gunships?" we asked.
"Aren't you concerned that your unprovoked attack may force the
to resign?" we asked.
"Er...isn't it a bit late for that?" we asked dubiously.
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Story © 2004 Derek Tree and utterpants.co.uk / 061104 -R220305 /A221205