| "The Association
is trying to build a case that all Americans have a right to feed themselves
and if every American has that right, they have a right to grow rhubarb
in Union Square. It seems silly that we have a right to life, liberty
and the pursuit of happiness, but we don't have an inalienable right
to feed ourselves. It's a long shot, but it's what led me to look for
the Bill of Rights in the first place. As it turns out, it's missing.”
Agosta, whose practice of maintaining multiple accounting
records has taught him the value of record-keeping, kept a careful log
of his fruitless hunt for the elusive Bill. His nightmare began with
a simple Google search. "If you search for 'Bill of Rights,' the
first unsponsored link is the Library of Congress. It seemed logical
that they would have a copy," the agrarian reformer told Utterpants
disconsolately. So we put our crack Internet researcher on the job—or
rather we told the cock-hungry little cracker to get off the job and
start looking for the Bill of Rights on the Internet. She quickly discovered
that the Library of Congress website leads to the National Archives
website which eventually leads to a "File Not Found" message.
Utterpants
has obtained exclusive copies of all the relevant email transcripts
and presents them below. As a result of frequent death threats directed
towards many of the individuals involved, all identifying information
has been replaced with popular euphemisms for sexual organs.
July 4th 2005
From: Boobies
To: The National Archives;
The Library of Congress
Hi,
I'm trying to find the Bill of Rights. It doesn't seem to be on the
National Archives website.
Thanks,
Boobies
July 5th 2005
Dear Boobies,
Thank you for your recent email. The National Archives is happy to address
any issue of concern to any member of the public. As a result of a higher-than-average
number of questions, we regret that it may take several days for us
to respond to your inquiry. This is an automated response. Please do
not respond to this email.
Thank you,
The National Archives
July 8th 2005
Dear Boobies,
Thank you for your recent email. The Library of Congress is happy to
address any issue of concern to any member of the public. As a result
of a higher-than-average number of questions, we regret that it may
take several days for us to respond to your inquiry. This is an automated
response. Please do not respond to this email.
Thank you,
The Library of Congress
July 10th 2005
Dear Boobies,
Thank you for you interest in the National Archives. We have investigated
your inquiry and found that the document in question no longer exists
in our files. If there is anything else I can help you with, please
do not hesitate to contact me directly.
Sincerely,
Love Button
The National Archives
July 12th 2005
Dear Love button,
The document in question is the Bill of Rights! It is one of the most
important documents in the history of this country. You’re the
National Archives! How can you not have a copy?
Boobies
July 13th 2005
To: Boobies
Automated response from National Archives Email System Administrator
The user ‘Love button’ cannot be found.
July 14th 2005
Dear Boobies,
Thank you for your recent email. The National Archives is happy to address
any issue of concern to any member of the public. As a result of a higher-than-average
number of questions, we regret that it may take several days for us
to respond to your query. This is an automated response. Please do not
respond to this email.
Thank you,
The National Archives
July 17th 2005
Dear Boobies,
As I'm sure you are aware, the Defense Department, due to unforeseen
wartime space requirements, has borrowed certain government facilities
that they have deemed suitable for use as detention centers. As a result,
many of the documents contained in the Library have been moved to the
National Archives. Have you tried over there?
Thank you,
Magic Wand
The Library of Congress
July 19th 2005
Dear Boobies,
We have provided all of the information required and allowed by Section
653, Paragraph 14, Clause 12 of the Freedom of Information Act. We regret
that we are unable to assist you any further. Have you tried the Library
of Congress?
Bearded Clam
The National Archives
July 20th 2005
Dear Bearded Clam,
I tried the Library of Congress. They said you guys have it!
Boobies
July 20th 2005
Dear Representative Jugs,
I'm trying to locate a copy of the Bill of Rights. It's not in the Library
of Congress. They claim that it has been transferred to the National
Archives but the National Archives can’t find it. They sent me
back to the Library of Congress. Can you help me?
Boobies
July 21st 2005
To: Boobies
Automated response from National Archives Email System Administrator
The user ' Beaded Clam’ cannot be found.
July 22nd 2005
Dear Boobies,
Thank you for your active participation in the democratic process. Representative
Jugs is happy to address any issue of concern to any registered voter
resident in the Representative’s district or any potential campaign
contributor. As a result of a higher-than-average number of questions,
we regret that it may take several days for us to respond to your query.
This is an automated response. Please do not respond to this email.
This not being an election year, Representative Jugs will be unable
to answer your question directly. A member if his staff (most likely
an intern) will contact you shortly.
The Office of Representative Jugs
July 24th 2005
Hey Nutsack,
How do I contact the Archives thingie? Did I leave my panties at your
place last night?
Coochie
The Office of Representative Jugs
July 24th 2005
Dear Nutsack
Could you forward this to a more senior member of the Congressman’s
staff?
Boobies
July 25th 2005
Dear Boobies,
Congressman Jugs and Nutsack are away on a fact-finding mission to Hedonism
III in Jamaica. Coochie is no longer employed by this office. Nutsack
has forwarded your request to me. The Congressman regrets being unable
to respond to your request personally; I'm sure you understand the heavy
demands a difficult job like U.S. Representative puts on one person.
I have contacted the General Accounting Office and asked them to look
into your request. They will contact you. Have you tried the Library
of Congress?
Thank you,
Pecker Head
Executive Chief Deputy Assistant (acting).
The Office of Representative Jugs
July 26th 2005
Dear Boobies,
Thank you for your recent email. The General Accounting Office is happy
to address any issue of concern to any member of the public. As a result
of a higher-than-average number of questions, we regret that it may
take several days for us to respond to your inquiry. This is an automated
response. Please do not respond to this email.
Thank you,
U.S. General Accounting Office
July 27th 2005
Dear Boobies,
We have received your request through the office of Representative Jugs.
A member of our staff will contact you shortly.
Knockers,
U.S. General Accounting Office
July 28th 2005
Dear Boobies,
Unfortunately, the General Accounting Office does not maintain the records
you have requested. The Center for Disease Control would hold all records
regarding outbreaks of rheumatic fever in Arkansas.
Sincerely.
Sweater Puppies
U.S. General Accounting Office
Dear Sweater Puppies,
What the hell are you talking about? I’m looking for the Bill
of Rights.
Boobies
July 28th 2005
Dear Boobies,
We apologize for your inconvenience. Our system is overloaded. What
was your question again?
Knockers
U.S. General Accounting Office
July 29th 2005
Dear Knockers,
I’m looking for the Bill of Rights. The Library of Congress says
they sent it to the National Archives. The National Archives sent me
back to the Library of Congress. My Congressman’s office sent
me to you.
Boobies
To: Boobies
Automated response from U.S. General Accounting Office Email System
Administrator
The user 'Knockers’ cannot be found.
To: Knockers,
Are you handling this idiot?
Sweater Puppies
To: Sweater Puppies
Automated response from U.S. General Accounting Office Email System
Administrator
The user 'Knockers’ cannot be found.
July 30th 2005
Dear Boobies,
We regret that we are unable to process your request. Our agents are
attempting to account for a $1.6 Trillion dollar gap in the Defense
Department’s inventory. I’m sure you understand.
Sweater Puppies
U.S. General Accounting Office
Dear Sweater Puppies,
But the Bill of Rights is lost! Doesn’t that bother you?
Boobies
July 31st 2005
Dear Boobies,
Thank you for your recent email. The General Accounting Office is happy
to address any issue of concern to any member of the public. As a result
of a higher-than-average number of questions, we regret that it may
take several days for us to respond to your inquiry. This is an automated
response. Please do not respond to this email.
Thank you,
U.S. General Accounting Office
August 1st 2005
Dear Boobies,
We apologize for being unable to process your request. We can’t
find 56 airplanes and 32 tanks. A two hundred year old piece of paper
is rather low on our list of priorities. We suggest that you contact
your Congressional Representative or, have you tried the Library of
Congress?
Knockers,
U.S. General Accounting Office
August 2nd 2005
Dear Boobies,
According to our records, the document you have requested has been transferred
to the White House for revision. You should contact them.
Bearded Clam
The National Archives
August 2nd 2005
Dear Bearded Clam,
What are you talking about?!? Revision? The White House can’t
revise the Bill of Rights.
Boobies
August 3rd 2005
Dear Boobies,
Look, I have a paper trail that’s a foot and a half high for 36
missile launchers that no one can find. One was in Kuwait in ’91,
went to Haiti, then to Bosnia, South Korea, Israel, back to Kuwait,
to Iraq, to Afghanistan, back to Kuwait, back to Iraq, and then for
some reason was sent to Cleveland, Ohio last November. At some point
it was apparently dropped off at the Vince Lombardi Rest Area on the
New Jersey Turnpike. But the other 35 have simply vanished. Big as railroad
cars. You’d think somebody would say, “Hey, doesn't that
look like one o' them thar missile launchers over there by the Laundromat?”
But, no! Now I have to find them.
You should have memorized the damn thing when you were supposed to.
Now go away.
Sweater Puppies
U.S. General Accounting Office
August 4th 2005
Automated response from National Archives Email System Administrator
The user 'Bearded Clam' cannot be found.
September 11th 2005
Dear Boobies,
We have investigated your request more fully and have found that the
document in question has been transferred to the White House for revision.
Although our office has just received a copy of the proposed revisions,
I am unable to locate them at present and suggest you contact a Mr.
K Rove, at the White House for further information.
Thank you,
Pecker Head
Executive Chief Deputy Assistant (acting)
The Office of Representative Jugs
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Bill of Rights cannot be found
