Tsunami Victims beg Chris Evans to stay off Air Tsunami Victims beg Chris Evans to stay off Air

By our man at Broadcasting House,
Alex DeVille

Millions of displaced and injured Asians effected by last months Tsunami are pleading with broadcasting personality, Chris 'carrot top' Evans NOT to return to the radio

Evans is set to get back on air after more than three years away from the mike to raise money for children affected by the Tsunami. The plea for him to stay off air, signed by over three million people in Thailand and Sri Lanka, has been passed on to the zany multi-millionaire media personality by Sri Lanka’s ambassador to London. It reads, “The British people have helped us so much in these desperate times, we cannot repay them by allowing a loud-mouthed ginger tosser like you to torture them for twelve hours. Please stay off the radio.”

Fags fell out of mouths and teacups shattered around the UK as stunned Britons learned that the egocentric rich-kid disc-jockey was making a come-back. Evans will be heard on more than 200 commercial stations, including Virgin Radio, which wisely sacked the ginger minger in 2001. Accountants at the BBC are feverishly re-calculating financial forecasts as the corporation gears up for a massive influx of listeners from their commercial rivals once smarmy tosser, Evans, hits the airwaves.

Billie PiperMotormouth Evans, who enjoyed a meteoric rise to fame in the 1990's, was notorious for going on drink binges with pals Danny Baker and Paul Gascoigne. Later, he launched his own TV company, Ginger Productions, before buying Richard Branson's Virgin Radio for £85 million in 1997, which he sold off for £225 million, netting himself a modest profit of 85 million pounds in the process. After pissing his own career down the toilet, the ginger tosser married eighteen-year-old teen sexbomb, Billie Piper in 2001. The Britney Spears lookalike's singing career promptly took a nose-dive after she was dropped by her PR company, her agent Nicki Chapman, and Virgin Records. The marriage ended last year when Piper dumped the pretentious prat after deciding that his wealth was not sufficient compensation for having to sleep with a drunken ginger wanker with a hairy back.

Making no apology for the damp stain on the crotch of her Armani trousers, Radio 2 Controller Sandra Pitt, was beside herself with excitement as she told Utterpants gleefully, “It really is Christmas come early for us, we are delighted that the commercial stations are helping us win the ratings war.”

Tin-pot local radio stations across Britain will be interrupting their normal schedules of pop and half-witted DJ chit chat with a single national broadcast on Monday. Evans will be teaming up with busty, blonde presenter Kate Thornton for his slot in the twelve-hour radiothon and will be interviewing Tony Blair. Radio Aid, involving the likes of Capital Radio, Classic Old and Virgin, is the first of its kind in commercial radio's thirty-one-year history. The idea is to get Britons to cough up even more money whilst being terrorised by the on-air antics of a ginger megalomaniac who makes Howard Stern seem the epitome of restraint and sobriety.

The broadcast will go out to an estimated twenty million hapless listeners live from Capital Radio headquarters in London. Each station will donate one day's profits and listeners will be asked to donate one hour of their time or money to the appeal.

Evans told Utterpants he was relaxed about being heard on Virgin again, adding: "I'm down but not out. I want to get back to work and this unique opportunity is going to put me back on top."
"What about the plea from the Tsunami victims?" we asked him.
"I get drunk, who doesn't?" he replied. "I can be petulant and a prima donna. So what? That's why Radio Aid is going to be bigger than Band Aid and Live Aid put together. It's called being creative."

We asked Radio 2 Controller Sandra Pitt what steps the BBC had taken to keep Evans' 'creativity' under control.
"Billie Piper."
"Billie Piper?" we repeated.
"Billie will be telling our listeners why the ginger tosser left her totally unsatisfied as a woman."
"Won't Chris Evans object to his ex revealing the intimate details of their married life on live radio?"
"Only if he wants to be sacked in front of twenty million listeners," giggled the leggy executive evilly.

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Story and picture © 2005 Alex DeVille. Design © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 120105

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