Self-confessed 'wild child' Reid, no stranger to reprising bit parts in 'B' movies, was said to be 'livid' after British Customs officers politely asked her to move on when she whipped off her top in the hope of grabbing the attention of reporters waiting for Victoria Beckham. The clueless tartlet then waved her left boob in the face of a Daily Mirror photographer, who was heard to mutter: 'Push off you stupid slapper.'

Undaunted, Reid then approached a security guard, and insisted he scan her breasts. "I'm pierced!", she shouted hysterically, "What ya gonna do about it?"
"Well," the guard is reported to have replied, "There's nothing in the rules about women wearing curtain rings in their teats, but I would have that nasty post-operative rash looked at if I was you."
"Touch it!" Reid was heard to yell to the assembled journalists. "Go on, touch my boobies, everyone wants to!"
When this failed to stimulate anything more than stifled yawns, Reid snatched the security guard's baton, yanked down her panties and began pleasuring herself furiously while shouting that her tits were bigger than Britney's or Paris Hilton's.

With the consideration for which the British are justifiably famous, the security guard waited until Ms Reid had reached a noisy climax before retrieving his somewhat sticky riot stick. With such ribald comments as "her pussy looks worse than her tits," ringing in her ears, the sobbing actress was then assisted into the arms of a passing plastic surgeon, who kindly offered to examine her in the privacy of his Harley Street surgery. Ms Reid (29), who was in London promoting her new film whose name momentarily escapes us, has vowed never to visit the UK again.

An American Lawyer whom we didn't consult, but who our office girl, Olga, claims is sleeping with her, told her that it was now a standard contractual requirement for US 'stars' to flash their left boob in public when their careers are on the slide. "They all do it," he is alleged to have said during a regrettable post-coital lapse of client confidentiality, "only Tara forgot her audience were a bunch of cynical British Fleet Street hacks and not a crowd of Republican Christians at the Super Bowl."

Utterpants caught up with the security guard, thirty-four-year-old father-of-two, Alvin Mistry, over a pint in the Heathrow Mile High Club, where he explained why the British press hadn't picked up on the story.
"Look, Jordan does that all the bloody time and no one bats an eyelid," he explained, stifling a yawn. "What makes you think people are going to take a blind bit of notice when some washed-up American slag flashes her plastic tits at a security camera?"
"Well, when you put it like that..." we replied.

"I do put it like that," continued Alvin, warming to his theme. "This is Heathrow, mate, not the bleedin' Super Bowl! We had Christina Agui-whatshername through here last week and she flashed her bum when she dropped her Rabbit. Did it make the Tabloids? Did it buggery! Now, if that cute arse Zoe from 'EastEnders' swanned in here wearing an arse-grazing pelmet, and the lads copped an eyeful of her labial piercing, I'd have been on the dog to the Sun faster than you can say 'designer thongs.' But another walking Hollywood tit scaffold? Give me a break, mate. And why is it that it's always the left boob these dozy tarts flash? Do girls only have one tit in America?"

We put this pointed question to Frank Matthews, a senior Customs Officer at Heathow airport.
"Ms Reid is known as what I believe Americans refer to as 'a bit of a retard," he explained. "It appears that many of these young women have trouble growing up, not helped by their prodigious intake of alcohol and low self-esteem. Flashing one tit in America may only incur a light, custodial sentence, flashing two is probably a hanging offence — at least in Texas."
"Is it true that the US media have offered obscene amounts of money for your security camera footage of Tara Reid's boobs?" we asked.
"I couldn't possibly comment," he replied indifferently.

"We understand that badly pixelated images of Ms Reid's boob-slip at P Diddy's 35th birthday party are selling for $500 each on the Internet," we added.
"Really?" sighed the Customs Officer. "From what I saw they looked as if they'd barely survived an encounter with a short-sighted psychopath from the 'Texas Chainsaw Massacre."
"Some Americans have called her a stupid crack whore who looks like an ex-porn star cobbled together from whatever her agent could find in her bathroom medicine cabinet. What do you say to that?"
"That's rather sad," replied Officer Matthews. It usually takes our female celebrities until they're at least forty-five before they start looking as if they've been pieced together from random body parts."
"Americans are often way ahead of us in fashion," we commented.
"One can't argue with that," he replied.

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