The Texas Strack Farms eatery was taken hostage for over an hour by the top-heavy walking train wreck and her entourage which included her lawyer Howard and a twelve-man camera crew.
“We were surprised to see her come in — not a lot of D-list celebrities eat here," shaken owner, Jimmy Bob Clayton told Utterpants. "She snatched a quarter pounder off a little girl’s plate and started stuffing her face before anyone could stop her. The crazy crackhead was shoveling food in faster than you can say 'Bobby Trendy'. Then she lifted up her dress and started molestin' herself with a ketchup bottle. Dangmit if'n it wasn't the grossest thing I've ever seen.”

“She was drunk, or drugged,” Clayton’s traumatized wife, Louise, added tearfully. “She was hollerin' something about how she didn't fuck an old man with one foot in the grave to end up with a ten dollar nipple ring and a bunch of Enron share certificates. Maybe that’s what she said…I aint rightly sure. It was hard to tell because the bitch's mouth was never empty and I ain't just talkin' about the food she was shovellin' in.”

Shocked customers cowered under tables as Smith squeezed 400lbs of cellulite and silicone into the restaurant’s tiny kitchen and flashed her enormous, badly augmented tits at the terrified staff.
"She demanded I eat her out," whimpered 22-year-old trainee cook, Bubba John Smith (no relation), "When I objected she told me she hadn't masturbated for five minutes, and if I refused I could kiss my dick goodbye. So..I did it." After bringing herself to four explosive orgasms that left the Bubba John gasping for breath and three other staff hospitalized, the gold-digging trailer trash allegedly grabbed a handful of fried cheese out of the fat fryer.

Smith then staggered back into the restaurant, muttering slurred threats to people who didn’t give their food to her. At one point, the washed-up crack whore started throwing food at the walls, creating what one, anonymous customer described as 'a Jackson Pollock-like painting' out of chicken fried steak and nacho cheese. Jimmy Bob Clayton takes up the story: "She soon spotted 89-year-old Herb Silverstein trying to climb into his zimmer frame and I heard her ask him how much his diamond cufflinks cost. I guess he must have told her he was worth $88 million because the next thing I knew she'd yanked his pants down, climbed onto his lap and was riding him like a porn star. It's a miracle the guy didn't have a heart attack."

“I peed my pants when she offered to blow me," explained War Vet, Brad Whitney (43), still visibly shaken by the experience. “I just got back from Eyerack. Let me tell you, interrogating insurgentaries at Abu Ghraib prison with a cattle prod don't prepare you for this."
“Yeah,” agreed local hardnut, Trevor Winters. “I thought about taking the fat bitch down with a sleeper hold, but she had a wild look in her eyes and her tits were bigger than my head.”

Deputy Ray Schneider was the first law enforcement officer on the scene. “We thought about bringing in a sniper to shoot her fat ass with a tranquilizer dart, but by then the overweight slut had eaten so much she couldn't stand up and passed out with her face buried in Brad Whitney's crotch.”

When we asked officer Schneider why Anna Nicole hadn't been arrested, he replied sheepishly: “We knew we couldn't really restrain her in a jail cell. She'd just eat her way out. If that’s what TrimSpa™ does for you, I reckon I'll stay overweight."

In a related news story, Anna Nicole Smith has taken her case to get her sticky fingers on the fortune left by her late husband, Texas oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall, to the Supreme Court.
Utterpants have this advice for the ageing slapper: get your tits out in court, Anna. It may not win the case, but it should get you a few more column inches than you got from your late husband.

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