Anna Nicole Smith Stuffed Again
|Anna Nicole Smith, an enormously fat, former Playboy model and self-confessed lover of 'older men', terrified customers in a Houston, Texas restaurant today, when she engaged in a frenzied hour-long eating binge during which she sexually assaulted staff and customers|
The Texas Strack Farms eatery was taken hostage
for over an hour by the top-heavy walking train wreck and her entourage
which included her lawyer Howard and a twelve-man camera crew.
“She was drunk, or drugged,” Clayton’s traumatized wife, Louise, added tearfully. “She was hollerin' something about how she didn't fuck an old man with one foot in the grave to end up with a ten dollar nipple ring and a bunch of Enron share certificates. Maybe that’s what she said…I aint rightly sure. It was hard to tell because the bitch's mouth was never empty and I ain't just talkin' about the food she was shovellin' in.”
Shocked customers cowered under tables as Smith squeezed 400lbs of
cellulite and silicone into the restaurant’s tiny kitchen and
flashed her enormous, badly augmented tits at the terrified staff.
Smith then staggered back into the restaurant, muttering slurred threats to people who didn’t give their food to her. At one point, the washed-up crack whore started throwing food at the walls, creating what one, anonymous customer described as 'a Jackson Pollock-like painting' out of chicken fried steak and nacho cheese. Jimmy Bob Clayton takes up the story: "She soon spotted 89-year-old Herb Silverstein trying to climb into his zimmer frame and I heard her ask him how much his diamond cufflinks cost. I guess he must have told her he was worth $88 million because the next thing I knew she'd yanked his pants down, climbed onto his lap and was riding him like a porn star. It's a miracle the guy didn't have a heart attack."
“I peed my pants when she offered to blow me," explained
War Vet, Brad Whitney (43), still visibly shaken by the experience.
“I just got back from Eyerack. Let me tell you, interrogating
insurgentaries at Abu Ghraib prison with a cattle prod don't prepare
you for this."
Deputy Ray Schneider was the first law enforcement officer on the scene. “We thought about bringing in a sniper to shoot her fat ass with a tranquilizer dart, but by then the overweight slut had eaten so much she couldn't stand up and passed out with her face buried in Brad Whitney's crotch.”
When we asked officer Schneider why Anna Nicole hadn't been arrested, he replied sheepishly: “We knew we couldn't really restrain her in a jail cell. She'd just eat her way out. If that’s what TrimSpa™ does for you, I reckon I'll stay overweight."
In a related news story, Anna Nicole Smith has taken her case to get her sticky fingers on the fortune left by her late husband, Texas oil tycoon J. Howard Marshall, to the Supreme Court.
Story © 2005 Tamara Watkins. Design & construction © utterpants.co.uk /010105/030206