So enthralled were we
by Sienna Miller’s startling story, we tracked down two members
of the group and asked them if her candid tales of drink and depravity
had any foundation, but group leaders Little 'John' Thomas' and 'Lunchbox'
Larry, were at first reluctant to speak to us.
After an hour or so assuring these naughty gnomes
that we had nothing but the greatest respect for the sluttish Miss Miller
and 'People of Limited Growth' in general, the vertically-challenged
jism jockeys made the bold decision to reveal all. So shocking were their
revelations that we have decided to publish the interview in its complete
and uncensored entirety.
We began by asking Little 'John' Thomas how the troupe
had first met Sienna Miller. "We were in Hamburg auditioning actors
for our summer stage production of 'Goldilocks and the three Bare
Bottoms' and Ms Miller was one of the hopefuls to play the lead."
"Bare—um—bottoms? Not bears?"
"We're sex performers," said Little John, "not kiddie
"Sorry, do go on."
"We didn’t think she would be suitable at first," explained
'Lunchbox' Larry, "because she looked like a skeleton wrapped in
cling film and we usually like to hire more mature and curvaceous women—preferably
ladies knocking on forty with enormous,
droopy tits and backsides the size of Bremen."
"Why is that?" we asked.
"Our productions contain scenes of vile degradation and graphic
sex that a woman in her late teens or early twenties might not be able
to stomach whereas old slappers—sorry, more mature women—tend
to be less inhibited about doing the really kinky stuff," added
Little 'John' Thomas helpfully.
"Basically," continued Lunchbox Larry, warming to his theme,
"by the time a lady has reached her late thirties her face has
been splashed with more cream then you can shake a clapboard at. She’ll
have been anally
assaulted at least 800 times and will undoubtedly have sampled the
delights of Scat, Golden Showers, Fisting, Spit Roasts,
Wolf Banging, Gum Shoeing, Radish Hopping and Chain Milking—all
of which feature prominently in your average 'A Little Cum' show."
"That sounds reasonable enough to us," we commented. So what
made you pick a flat-chested, stick insect like Sienna Miller out of
"To put it bluntly, she offered to suck my cock."
"But surely lots of girls have offered to fellate you in order
to get a little head—sorry, a little ahead?"
"True," grinned the exceptionally well-endowed vertically-challenged person. "But
she offered to suck it while I was taking a dump in the theatre toilets
and I really admired
"Well, yes—that was pretty audacious."
"What do you mean by that?"
"We're sorry. We thought you said 'I really admired her balls?"
"Ah—you misunderstood me. When I said her balls, I was referring
to her testicles."
"Sienna Miller has testicles!!!??" we exclaimed
"Yes indeedy," chortled Little 'John' Thomas. "She has
a pair of luscious Love spuds that beautifully compliment a rather thick
and splendid looking spam javelin. Once the rest of the lads had sampled
Sienna's delights for themselves, the role was in the bag, so to speak."
"Amazing!" we replied. "We don't think we've ever heard
a more—um, amazing story."
"If you think that was amazing you should see her legendary
'Vanishing Hobbit Trick," chuckled Lunchbox Larry.
"Which presumably involves a magic ring, as in the movies?"
exactly, no. A ring does play a part in the performance, but it's attached
to Sienna's anus. But I'm getting ahead of myself—"
"—Do go on," we interjected. "I'm sure our readers
are agog to know more."
"It’s really something," enthused Little John. "A
truly remarkable piece of theatrical improvisation. One night in Cologne, during
our 'Mauled in the Ring' show, she decided to penetrate herself
with 'Tiny Toby Took' and when I say 'penetrate,' I mean she took all
of him in, from his bald pate to his magnificently furry feet."
"Not up her bottom?" we asked in shocked surprise.
"No, that came in act four—'The Two Tunnels.' Well,
actually he came both times; sorry, I should have explained that—"
"Sienna Miller masturbated herself to orgasm with a gnome??"
"Well, I can't confirm she came, but she was
certainly making some very odd noises by the time his feet went in,"
explained Little John.
"We prefer the term 'Vertically challenged to 'gnome,' if you don’t
mind," added Lunchbox Larry, "But, yes, she used Tiny Toby
like a multi-speed
"Astonishing!" we replied. Well guys, thank you for time.
It's been simply—um—astonishing talking to you—most
"Is it okay if we just do a quick plug for our next performance?"
asked Little John.
"Yes, of course."
"Well, we will be performing 'The
Littlest Homo' for a week at the Chiswick Opera House
from December 3rd. Lubrication will be provided, as always, but we must
insist that all facial hair be removed for Health and Safety reasons."
As our readers can imagine, Utterpants
were as eager as Ted Bundy in a sorority house, to quiz Sienna Miller
about her alleged Midget fetish and cock concealment, but she was unavailable
for comment. However, her publicist Danni Dyke, did have this to say
to us on the telephone:
“Miss Miller strenuously denies all these accusations. She has
never worked with a group who go by the name of 'A little Cum.' She
has never been to Bavaria and has never engaged in sexual relations
with a person of stunted growth and I will thank you to stop harassing
her for quotes."
"So getting our hands
on the pair of knickers she wore during 'Mauled in the Ring'
is right out, is it?" we asked.
"Look, just fuck off, will you," snapped Ms Dyke.
"Well, there's no need to be abusive. We were only trying to give
her flagging career a leg up."
"If you really want to help Ms Miller, you can see the talented
actress on stage this Winter when she will be taking the lead role in
Miranda S Giving's new production of 'Snow
White and the Seven Dwarves.'
"Hang on a minute, that's a raunchy adult sex show, isn't it? Our
webmistress wrote that! Hello? Hello? Ms Dyke? Bloody hell! That woman
just put the phone down on us!"
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Story © 2005. Lorenzo Cassanell.
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