utterpants
Linda Ronstadt Linda Ronstadt lynched by angry mob


By our reporter amongst the rednecks,
Miranda S Givings
Crawford, Texas — The National Guard were called out today in this peace-loving American backwater famous for its snakeoil salesmen and porn stars, when acclaimed country singer, Linda Ronstadt was lynched by the 'Knights of the Bush' — a breakaway terrorist organisation thought to have links with the Ku Klux Klan

The 4,500 strong male crowd were in typical Texan high spirits, joking about 'pounding some teen ass after whipping us a few niggers', when the outspoken rock legend compared filmmaker Michael Moore to Abraham Lincoln and called his new movie Fahrenheit 9/11 a 'wake up call to America'. Her comments immediately drew loud boos and many of the men in attendance stormed out of the theatre. The rest began tearing down concert posters and mooning at Ms Ronstadt — or moaning — we're not quite sure which, as our reporter was unable to distinguish one end of a Texan from the other.

Ms Ronstadt (58) then launched into the aptly named 'Busherado' — a popular ditty about a washed-up world leader who wants what he can't have and the remaining rednecks demanded that she be lynched on the spot — or possibly at a convenient location nearby where thoughtful local Sheriff, Enos 'mad dog' Gillespie, had tied a stout length of rope to a magnolia tree, 'just in case o' trouble' as he modestly put it to our reporter.

"It was a very ugly scene," Sheriff Gillespie told Utterpants. "That Californian commie lovin', cum-guzzlin' bitch praised that un-American asshole and all of a sudden all hell broke loose."
"You don't think that the attitude of the Texan crowd had anything to do with it?" we asked.
"Hell no!" replied the 300 pound, tobacco-chewing Sherriff, indignantly, "Ya couldn't find a more lib'ral and peace-lovin bunch of folks than the citizens of Crawford, Texas. Ya only gotta lookit our great President to see where we're all comin' from."

"So why did the 'Knights of the Bush' lynch Ms Ronstadt?" we asked.
"Never heard of them. No one never touched that dumb-ass Bitch!"
"So how come she was within seconds of choking to death when the National Guard cut her down from the magnolia tree outside your office?"
"How'n the hell should I know? I was fishin' in Butte creek with my deputy Cletus at the time"

"Then how do you explain it was your rope that hung her?"
The Sheriff spat and shrugged his shoulders. "Someone must've stole it."
"Evidently," we replied. "Have you arrested anyone for this crime?"
"Yeah, we got a nigger in the cells right now."
"You mean a coloured man?"
"Round here we calls em' niggers."
"Whatever — who is it?"
"Some dude from up north name o' Brandon D Tibbs. Damn fag name if'n you ask me."
"Isn't that Ms Ronstadt's Road Manager?"
"It might be."

"Well, we can see you have things well under control here, Sheriff," we commented. "Thank you for taking the time to talk to us."
"No problem. Ya'll come an' visit us again real soon, now, ya hear?"
"You can count on it, Sheriff."

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© 2004 utterpants.co.uk

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