The modest and retiring heiress fought off stiff competition—or possibly several pounds of silicone—to become the cover girl for the '25 Sexiest Celebrities' issue of the puerile US wankrag. Paris Hilton now claims the cover picture—depicting a busty, blonde bimbo balanced on a barstool in fishnet stockings, red corset and red stiletto heels—was faked; a claim Hugh Hefner has vigorously denied.

As we reported earlier, Paris Hilton took part in a photoshoot at Hefner's Playboy mansion in May, but the pictures were never published because Ms Hilton came out looking like 'a washed-up junkie fag hag' according to an anonymous Playboy employee we didn't consult, but who let our researcher see the original transparencies in exchange for a quick 'Lewinsky' in the dark room. Faked or not, the sexy snaps of the busty blonde bimbo wearing a transparent T-shirt inside the issue have clearly done her flagging career no harm. So why is she complaining?

We put this question to her agent, a 'Ms Smith'.
“Paris had been promised that these Playboy pictures would not be released until after her boob slip at this year's Superbowl."
"Boob slip?" we asked.
"Er, sorry," said the agent, blushing furiously. "I meant book signing. Not boob slip. Er..Paris would never do anything like that. Well, not deliberately anyway.."

Playboy chose its contenders for the 'Sex Star of the Year' award after polling a carefully selected group of 18-year-old male college students from Tennessee. Anna Nicole Smith, a frequent mucky Mansion visitor, had been tipped to win, but was ditched when wardrobe staff couldn't find a corset big enough for her to wear for the photoshoot.

The enthusiastic teen judges quickly whittled down the final selection to just ten washed-up American crack whores, including Pamela Anderson, Tara Reid, Beyonce Knowles, Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears. The Olsen Twins were eliminated early when it was discovered that their tits were real, while Britney was disqualified for vote-rigging after a 127 readers complained they'd contracted a nasty skin infection from the panties she sent them.

"Naturally, Paris won hands down," an unrepentant Hugh Hefner told Utterpants via our WAP enabled, 5G, 3D satellite cellphone.
"So is it the real Paris Hilton on the cover?" we asked.
"Bits of her are."
"So someone touched her up?"
"Hasn't everyone?" Hefner chuckled. "Paris has the kind of in your face appeal our readers can't resist," the chubby Casanova enthused, though it was unclear whether he was referring to her personality, or the size of her enormous assets.

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Story © 2005 Georgia Prince. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 130505