According to an anonymous source at the Southbank 'Tower' who is not remotely connected with the programme but is sleeping with our reporter, the rhyme which has been sung by generations of kids is to be given a 'new twist'. "It'll pack a punch so hard you'll feel like you've just eaten an exploding rabbit," gushed Sharon Gussett, or perhaps she meant a massive orgasm with a sex toy of the same name.

Insiders in the TV community have speculated that the new show will be a detective series featuring Gillian Jack and Jacqueline Jill as the main characters. However, it has since emerged that this is complete tosh. "It's rubbish," ITV spokestypeperson Cameron MacGuyver told Utterpants. "Utter tosh. However, I can reveal that the drama is a hard-hitting, nail-biting, leg-crossing rollercoaster totally worth the 2.4 billion pounds it cost to film."
"So it's another police drama, is it?" we asked.
"It's not a police drama, it's a crime drama," explained MacGuyver from the Recaro seat of his £256,000 Ferrari Testarossa. "I would explain the difference to you but I've got a ferry to catch in thirty minutes. Anyway, I couldn't possibly reveal the twist."
 
Never one to let a pun slip through his fingers, our intrepid reporter made a grab for Mr MacGuyver's Armani shirt and twisted the TV executive's nipples until he broke down like a Morris Minor with sugar in the tank.
 
"OK, OK!" he finally capitulated. "You all know the story; Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jill came down with half-a-crown and it wasn't for fetching water—no, sorry, that's the Channel 4 version. Anyway, it's a pretty boring kid's story. But in our version, we have two angst-ridden teens fighting the whole way through with lashings of gratuitous sex and violence. It also turns out that Jack IS Jill and Jill IS Jack. It's a blood-spattered, cross-dressing, transsexual panty-fetishist's wish-fulfilling drama. It's also pretty unique—we know that because we nicked the idea from a low budget American outfit."
 
Other shows set to hit our screens in the Autumn include 'Celebrity Death Fuck' starring walking tit-scaffold, Abi Titmuss, and a late-night version of Coronation Street in which viewers will be treated to common-as-muck characters in cloth caps whoring their way around the street in what one wag has described as 'an upmarket version of Big Brother meets Emmanuelle.'

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Story & Picture © 2005 Mahoney Springwater. Design © utterpants.co.uk / 290705