According to an anonymous source at the Southbank
'Tower' who is not remotely connected with the programme but is sleeping
with our reporter, the rhyme which has been sung by generations of kids
is to be given a 'new twist'. "It'll pack a punch so hard you'll
feel like you've just eaten an exploding rabbit," gushed Sharon
Gussett, or perhaps she meant a massive orgasm with a sex toy of the
Insiders in the TV community have speculated that the new show will
be a detective series featuring Gillian Jack and Jacqueline Jill as
the main characters. However, it has since emerged that this is complete
tosh. "It's rubbish," ITV spokestypeperson Cameron MacGuyver
"Utter tosh. However, I can reveal that the drama is a hard-hitting,
nail-biting, leg-crossing rollercoaster totally worth the 2.4 billion
pounds it cost to film."
"So it's another police drama, is it?" we asked.
"It's not a police drama, it's a crime drama," explained MacGuyver
from the Recaro seat of his £256,000 Ferrari Testarossa. "I
would explain the difference to you but I've got a ferry to catch in
thirty minutes. Anyway, I couldn't possibly reveal the twist."
Never one to let a pun slip through his fingers, our intrepid reporter
made a grab for Mr MacGuyver's Armani shirt and twisted the TV executive's
nipples until he broke down like a Morris Minor with sugar in the
"OK, OK!" he finally capitulated. "You all know the story; Jack
and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jill came
down with half-a-crown and it wasn't for fetching water—no, sorry,
that's the Channel 4 version. Anyway, it's a pretty boring kid's story.
But in our version, we have two angst-ridden teens fighting the
whole way through with lashings of gratuitous sex and violence. It also
turns out that Jack IS Jill and Jill IS Jack. It's
a blood-spattered, cross-dressing, transsexual
panty-fetishist's wish-fulfilling drama. It's also pretty unique—we
know that because we nicked the idea from a low budget American
Other shows set to hit our screens in the Autumn include 'Celebrity
Death Fuck' starring walking tit-scaffold, Abi Titmuss, and a late-night
version of Coronation Street in which viewers will be treated
to common-as-muck characters in cloth caps whoring their way around
the street in what one wag has described as 'an upmarket version of
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Story & Picture © 2005 Mahoney
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