In a press statement issued this morning, Avril
Lavigne blamed carbohydrates for the drink-fueled weekend of sex crazed
girl-on-girl action which has outraged her 273 fans and caused sixteen-year-old
cheerleader, Sheryl Spears, to suspend herself from the CN tower in
Toronto by her pussy rings in protest.
finally caught up with MTV's Miss Angry at an exclusive Eatery in London's
Docklands where the troubled teen Idol was tucking into a sixteen ounce
steak with a side order of ham and eggs.
"I was, like eating really bad stuff..." prattled the punk
princess between mouthfuls. "Lots of sugar and carbs, green veg
and salad. I was, like, sooo horney all the time. You know,
really HOT. Then this guy told me I had low blood sugar —
or maybe it was a fat butt, anyway, now I eat real healthy and have
"Is it true you're dating Marilyn Manson?" we asked her
"Look, I'm a girl and she's a girl; can I make it any more obvious?"
retorted the angry girl defensively.
Well - actually Marilyn is a guy, Avril," we pointed out.
"So are you?" we repeated.
"I wanted her; she wanted me, what more can I say?"
"OK — yeah, whatever. Look — why do you have to make
things so complicated? We were just foolin' around."
"In a hotel pool at two o'clock in the morning with three security
guards, two female pool attendants and a pedigree Chow called 'Bob'?"
"I don't have a problem with partying and drinking. I'm a party
girl, That's my lifestyle. I wouldn't want a normal life or I'd get,
like, really bored. Who's Bob?"
"You'd better ask your boyfriend."
"She's a girl."
"No, Avril, she's a guy who dresses up like a
We could see that the clueless cutie was struggling with the concept
of gender, and decided not to pursue the subject.
"So, what are your plans for the future, Avril?"
"Marilyn says I'm like a Sid Vicious for a new generation. People
look up to me and want to be me. And that's so cool cuz I, like, totally
rock and I'm gonna be the biggest rock star, like, ever!"
"Like Britney?" we asked.
The punk prima-donna choked on her breakfast and snarled at our reporter.
"I won't wear skanky clothes that show off my belly and fake tattoos
like that friggin' hoe Britney!"
"But you like showing off your butt?"
"Look — I’m a hardcore rock chick. My music is like,
so totally deep and meaningful. My butt-crack is just like,
part of my act. Since I lost a few pounds my pants have gotten loose,
so my ass-crack is always showing. Is that my fault? I don't go around
telling everyone about my pussy ring."
"Do you have a pussy ring, Avril?"
"No — but I have a great ass. Wanna see my crack?"
"Perhaps later, Avril," we said soothingly.
"Marilyn loves my ass," giggled the Canadian charmer.
"I could be Britney, couldn't I? I could be bigger than Britney.
I could like, totally, rock the world!"
"We think you already have, Avril."
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Story © 2004 Brianna Banks.
Pictures and design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk