Utterpants: Hello, Ms Herzigova.

Eva Herzigova: Hello boys.

Utterpants: Girls actually, Ms Herzigova, except for me. Thanks for taking the time to speak to us. So, would you like to tell us a bit about your book?

Eva Herzigova: Whuuzhurrtnlee.

Utterpants: Er, it’s okay, Ms Herzigova, there aren’t any cameras in here. You can pop your boob back into your dress and stop pouting.

Eva Herzigova: Oh, sorry, it keeps doing that since the operation. What I said was, why certainly! As the unquestionably perfect incarnation of the female sexual ideal, I felt it was my duty to write A Lovely Pair. It’s basically a guide for girls and boys on how to dress and act socially in order to conform successfully to British gender roles. Follow my instructions today, and by tomorrow you’ll be the sexiest, most stylish guy or girl in town, and it won’t be long before the partner of your dreams falls into your arms. You’ll be a lovely pair. That’s why the book’s called A Lovely Pair. It's not a reference to my boobs, as some nasty journalists have suggested.

Utterpants: Quite. So what’s your advice for the lovely-but-single people of the UK, then?

Eva Herzigova: Well, let’s start with the guys. The trick here is to effect that ‘metrosexual’ image created by David Beckham that suggests you are a worldly and sensitive man in tune with your feminine side, whilst in fact employing the boorishness and absence of imagination that characterise the male stereotype. So: I’d suggest spending at least thirty pounds on hair products, which you should use to wrench your barnet into whichever faux-retro shape is currently being sported by the male contingent of Hollyoaks. Do not attempt to change your hairstyle (mullet-bleaching excepted) until told otherwise. Then counter this effete act of tonsorial transformation by buying a T-shirt with a slogan like WILL WORK FOR BEER or I ONLY SLEEP WITH REALLY PRETTY GIRLS. I really can’t stress the importance, nay necessity, of these shirts. A well-chosen T-shirt should just about hide your burgeoning paunch; moreover, the slogan will also cover those embarrassing silences when the eight pints you polished off leave you unable to say your own name. Ironically, the more moronic and casually misogynistic the slogan, the more attractive you'll be. And yes, believe it or not, the more you drink, the more charismatic you are. It’s true. Oh, just the thought of some dozy-eyed young stud feeling my pert, firm bottom, ohh.

Utterpants: Er, Ms Herzigova. Ms Herzigova! I think your left boob just popped out again!

Eva Herzigova: Wha—has it? Oh, I do apologise! Where was I? Right, the ladies. Now this is a bit trickier. It’s a well known fact that women are more concerned with style than are men, which makes it harder to lay down any definite codes of sartorial conduct. I can’t tell you what dress is best, mainly because my life in underwear modelling means I just don’t have that much experience of wearing much more than a thong. But I do know that you must maximise your bosom at all times. It’s the only part of you men will see or be interested in anyway, so there’s no point in covering them up. After all, the baker doesn’t hide his cakes when a fat bloke walks past, does he? And besides, you need to be easily identifiable as a female, because after eleven Stellas a bloke's visual and cognitive faculties will be somewhat diminished. Oh, and one other thing: always adopt a slightly arrogant and condescending air with any man who tries to chat you up, even if it turns out that you have absolutely nothing of relevance or interest to say to him.

Utterpants: Thanks very much for the suggestions, Ms Herzigova. The British public has been following your sage advice for a long time, but that can only be testament to last year’s serialisation of A Lovely Pair in Big Knockers magazine. We’re nearly out of time, but could you quickly tell us about your impending debut pop single?

Eva Herzigova: Indeed. My agent informed me that, what with early 90’s culture about to be resurrected (the ‘80s are just so last year, darlings), now would be the most profitable time to embark on a cynical career in music. My single—a remixed version of Blind Melon’s classic No Rain—will be out in August. We’ve had to modify some of the lyrics, of course, as there wasn’t enough innuendo and barely-concealed smut in the original. We’ve also re-shot the video, with the fat girl in the bee costume being replaced by my perfectly toned body in black and yellow lingerie. The outfit was designed by Miss Selfridge as part of next season’s Insex range, which your webmistress should go out and buy immediately. Without it she's nothing.

Utterpants: Delightful! Ms Herzigova, I'll, er tell her. It’s been a real pleasure. Any final words?

Eva Herzigova: Can I have cash instead of a cheque, please?

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Story © Hubris Cachet 2005. Picture and construction © utterpants.co.uk / 040705