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Elton John to open Michael Jackson Trial Elton John to open Michael Jackson Trial


By our man with a nose for scandal, J J Jogolo

Santa Maria, California In an almost unprecedented move by Michael Jackson's legal team, opening statements for the alleged kiddie-fiddling Pop Superstar, will be sung by Michael's good buddy, Sir Elton John

Only once before in celebrity trial history has such a dramatic tour-de-force been used, when Liberace sang his own opening statement to jurors at the beginning of his 'drunk and lewd trial.
Santa Maria District Attorney, Tom Sneddon's objections to this novel tactic were over-ruled by Judge Rodney Melville, who said: "Unfortunately, Liberace set a precedent for such opening statements and as much as I would like to keep this trial from turning into a rock concert, my hands are tied and I have no choice but to allow Sir Elton to present Mr Jackson's case to the jury in any form that his attorney's deem to be most favourable to their defence."

Lead attorney for the Prince of Pop, Thomas Mesereau Jnr., took time out from preparing an affidavit against Playboy magazine on behalf of Paris Hilton, to talk exclusively to Utterpants.
"We have several other underhand, celebrity tricks—ah, I mean legitimate legal processes—we can employ, but having Sir Elton John sing the opening statement should win over the dumb schmucks in the audience—ah, I mean the highly intelligent and discriminating members of the jury. It's a matter of credibility. Having a highly respectable, celibate, world-famous Christian entertainer sing to the jury that 'Michael is innocent' should have a very positive impact on the outcome."
"We think you may be confusing Elton John with Sir Cliff Richard," we pointed out. "Sir Elton is an atheistic, self-confessed, practising homosexual."
"Is he?" exclaimed Thomas Mesereau, choking on his coffee. "Dayum! Why didn't someone tell me? I'll kill Uri Geller when I get hold of him."

Utterpants has since learned that two of the three songs Sir Elton is planning to sing will be re-written renditions of 'Don't let the sun go down on me' and 'All the young girls love Alice.' But the opening statement will be a new version of 'Goodbye Norma Jean' which our 22-year-old female researcher managed to obtain a copy of after performing certain personal services for Sir Elton's Press agent.

Hello Michael Jackson
Though you never fiddled with kiddies
You had the guts to deny it
While those around you lied
They lied through their crooked teeth
And they made up this stupid case
They put you in the courthouse
And they made you change your face

{Refrain}
And it seems to me you lived your life
With a candle up your bum
Never knowing who to fondle
When the boys grew up
And I would have liked to have blown you
But you were just too small
This scandal will burn out long before
Your legend ever will

Innocence was tough
The toughest role you ever played
Hollywood created a plastic ponce
And shame was the price you paid
Even when you denied
The press still hounded you
All the papers had to say
Was that a you'd buggered a boy in your bed

{Refrain}

Hello Michael Jackson
Though you never fiddled with kiddies
You had the guts to deny it
While those around you lied
Hello Michael Jackson
From the gay bloke in the frilly shirt
Who sees you as something more than sexual
More than just another sex pervert

This scandal will burn out long before
Your legend ever will

Rumours have reached us that HBO will be video-taping the performance for airing at a later date, providing that Michael is acquitted. Programmes for Sir Elton's performance are being printed up and will be made available for the very reasonable price of $125.00. Concessions are likely to be offered to pop stars such as Gary Glitter, Jonathan King and Who frontman, Pete Townshend, all of whom are known have expressed a keen interest in the outcome of the trial.

Despite Judge Rodney Melville's ruling on Sir Elton's performance, the Prosecution are pressing for his disqualification on the grounds that the presence of celebrity witnesses would bias the jury in Michael Jackson's favour.
"Nonsense!" Thomas Mesereau Jnr., told Utterpants. "Elizabeth Taylor, Jay Leno, Quincy Jones, Kobe Bryant, Stevie Wonder, Diana Ross, Uri Geller and David Blaine are not all going to be in court at the same time. Well, not unless Sir Elton asks them to sing along with him."
"Is that likely?" we asked.
"Not now that you've told me he's a God-denying faggot. You don't happen to have Sir Cliff Richard's 'phone number do you?"

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Story and picture © 2005 JJ Jogolo. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk /020305

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