Hooker saves Disk Jockey's life
By our man in the back alley,
|A national British radio personality says he owes his life to a Dutch prostitute who helped him when he ‘suffered a massive and sudden sexual seizure’ at a café in London's Bayswater|
Radio 2 presenter Ken Bruce had settled down to read a newspaper with a Cappuccino and cream slice at Snappy’s Cafe opposite Paddington station when 'an unaccountable swelling suddenly erupted in his nether regions'. The more he tried to suppress his mounting excitement; 'the worse it got.'
Speaking exclusively to Utterpants, a red-faced Bruce confided
sheepishly: "I realised I couldn't breathe, and I started to get
light-headed. My ears were ringing."
A shaken Mr. Bruce (57½), who presents a mid morning show on
Radio 2, added, "a lot of the customers were elderly and unattractive
and could not have helped me. The younger people just didn't know what
to make of it. Then I spotted this really fit looking young girl in
her late teens but she just looked at me like a startled rabbit; she
didn't know what to do. I think she was a lesbian. She shot out of the
café soon after my seizure started. Fortunately for me, a hooker
from Holland was sitting at the next table and immediately grasped the
severity of my problem."
we repeated. "Are you seriously asking our readers to swallow this
cock and bull story?"
"Remarkable!" we replied. "So what exactly is Prostodickwitz'
A waitress at the café later told us: “Mr. Bruce was grunting and spitting like a loony. The next thing I knew he appeared to have his hand up that slut's dress and nine inches of hugely empurpled man-meat broke free from his jeans. She was obviously doing everything she could to help the poor man."
In a desperate move to contact the angel of mercy who saved his life, Bruce has taken out a full-page advertisement in London’s Evening Standard, pleading for the public-spirited harlot to contact him. She left the café just after Bruce erupted with relief, failing to leave a contact address.
“If she has returned to Holland I will pay for her flight to the UK and all accommodation expenses. I just want to show the filthy slut — er, I mean, good samaritan, how much I care," a grateful Bruce told Utterpants.
Ken Bruce's colleagues have paid tribute to the anonymous hooker, describing her as 'a true heroine who was not afraid to get her hands dirty to help a chap out in a sticky situation.' In a television interview, BBC presenter Sarah Kennedy called for more hookers to be available throughout the capital and female fans of the hugely popular Disk Jockey have besieged his Bayswater flat in the hope of being able to lend a hand should he suffer another seizure.
Radio 2 bosses have given Bruce two weeks sick leave and offered him 'full and unconditional support.'
Story © 2004 Alexander DeVille. Design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk / 180904/ 080306