Onlookers reported scenes of near-anarchy at around 11pm as residents—who would normally have been safely guffawing into their cushions at the sight of Lee Sharpe’s willy hanging out the side of his swimming trunks on Celebrity Love Island—took to the streets in humourless panic. “I’ve never been so scared” said Alistair Stewart (29), a native of Aberdeen who was in Purley visiting his friends Liz and Damian.

“We could tell something was wrong when Patrick Kielty said something about Michael Greco shivering on the beach because 'he’s only come in his shorts', and Liz just rolled her eyes and said 'Yes, yes, very funny.' We tried not to worry at first, but then when we switched over to Big Brother to watch Sam eating a banana in a provocative manner, Damian sighed and asked if we fancied a DVD instead. It was then that we knew it was serious."

When the anxious friends decided to go to a neighbour’s house to get help, however, they found that the entire town had been affected by the chuckle-debilitating disorder. “Everyone was just going mad,” thirty-two-year old retail manager, Damien Spink, told Utterpants. “People were literally running around in tears, clutching their hair. I just remember this one guy climbing onto his own rooftop, screaming “It’s so facile, it’s all so facile!” at the night sky. It was total chaos."

Remarkably though, the endemic disappeared as quickly as it arrived—indeed, by the time the Emergency Services had been summoned (yes, all of them), the town had returned to its usual, controllably tittersome, state. The exact reasons for the rapid dissipation of disaffection remain unclear at present, but reports suggest that a powerful outbreak of hilarity which ensued when one delirious citizen inadvertently flashed her boobs may have acted as a kind of ‘antidote’ to the contagious comedic malaise. “Well, no matter what stopped it, I’m just glad we can get on with our lives in peace,” said a grateful Damien this morning, as he cracked one off the wrist while watching a re-run of BayWatch on the history channel.

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Story © 2005 Donald Twain. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 300606