Big Brother evictee denies she did not have Sex Big Brother evictee denies she did not have Sex
By our woman in the Channel 4 washroom, Miranda S Givings
Big Brother evictee Michelle Cillicone lashed out at the producers of the popular reality voyeurdrama today after Channel 4 executives insisted she did not have steamy sex on the hit show

The plastic-breasted, wannabe 'C-List' celebrity (26), told Utterpants she'd enjoyed 'really dirty sex' in the Big Brother hot tub with five house guests and several animals and she's not very happy that the shows producers are saying she didn't. "They've like, totally rubbished any chance I had of a career as a celebrity slut," sobbed the former Sunday School teacher. "I fucked five house guests before I even got my knickers off. When I climbed into the hot tub to blow the security guard's Alsation the cameras were right in my face. By the time Darren was ramming his eleven-inch cock up my well-lubed arse I'd already made Jade and Kayleigh come—twice. It's all so unfair!"

Ms Cillicone claims that video stills of the incident circulating on the Internet which show her sitting fully dressed in the hot tub reading a large-print edition of Louisa May Alcott's 'Little Women' are a complete fabrication and is demanding that Big Brother release the real tape.

A spokestypeperson for Channel 4 told us that Ms Cillicone's allegations were about as believable as her claim to be the mother of four illegitimate mixed-race children. "The only house guests who had any sex in that hot tub were the crabs that were unlucky enough to crawl into her woolen, navy-blue underwear. Not that it would have done them any good as they'd have had to negotiate a hymen which is as impenetrable as her diseased imagination."

Media pundits are speculating that if the steamy sex footage cannot be found the future careers of thousands of would-be slappers with tits several sizes larger than their brains could be in serious jeopardy. "It simply doesn't bare thinking about," PR mogul, Giles Stringfondler, told us as he put a call from another Essex hairdresser, desperate to be spit-roasted on live television, on hold. "If the wannabe slapper really didn't have sex, it would be the first time a Big Brother house guest has not been fucked over in the five years the show has been running."

Pausing only to allow our photographer to position his camera between her widespread thighs while she masturbated with his film canister, Michelle broke down in tears as she contemplated a future bereft of game show appearances and oral sex with junior commissioning editors.
"I am so angry that the papers are saying I did not have sex," she sobbed hysterically. "What men's magazine is going to let me pose naked never mind audition for Celebrity Fuck Island now that Channel 4 have ruined my reputation?"

Michelle's plight has prompted politicians already under pressure to distract the public from increasing NHS waiting lists, rising petrol prices and the dangers of being repeatedly shot for wearing denim on the tube, to call for an urgent review of how much nudity TV companies should be allowed to broadcast. "It's a national scandal," complained one junior minister who asked to remain anonymous in case her application to get onto the show was accepted. "The latest series of Big Brother has featured 28 hours of footage of contestants arguing about who's turn it is to muck out the chickens, three hours of male house guests adjusting their genitalia and only sixteen minutes of full frontal nudity, during which we didn't see a single erect penis enter a vagina. It simply isn't good enough."
The minister stamped her foot petulantly. "No!" she repeated.

"What we basically have here is ordinary, decent men and women desperate to be porn stars at a time when this country is crying out for new initiatives in the workplace."
"So you believe Ms Cillicone is telling the truth?" we asked.
"I do," said the minister emphatically. "What's more I find it morally reprehensible that Channel 4 have seen fit to deny the incident took place merely to ensure their shows can be sold to TV companies in the United States, where I understand sex is illegal, or nearly so."
"What about the stills circulating on the internet which indicate Ms Cillicone is a born-again Christian virgin?"
"Faked!" snapped the minister. "You can't tell me that if you lock fifteen active young people up in a house together who are obviously gagging for it, the most disgusting sex acts are not going to happen."
"Er..including bestiality?" we asked.
"Well, she hardly forced that nice doggie to sit on her face now did she?"

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Story © 2005 Miranda S Givings. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 220805

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