Big Brother evictee denies she did not have Sex
By our woman in the Channel 4 washroom, Miranda S Givings
|Big Brother evictee Michelle Cillicone lashed out at the producers of the popular reality voyeurdrama today after Channel 4 executives insisted she did not have steamy sex on the hit show|
The plastic-breasted, wannabe 'C-List' celebrity (26), told Utterpants she'd enjoyed 'really dirty sex' in the Big Brother hot tub with five house guests and several animals and she's not very happy that the shows producers are saying she didn't. "They've like, totally rubbished any chance I had of a career as a celebrity slut," sobbed the former Sunday School teacher. "I fucked five house guests before I even got my knickers off. When I climbed into the hot tub to blow the security guard's Alsation the cameras were right in my face. By the time Darren was ramming his eleven-inch cock up my well-lubed arse I'd already made Jade and Kayleigh come—twice. It's all so unfair!"
Ms Cillicone claims that video stills of the incident circulating on the Internet which show her sitting fully dressed in the hot tub reading a large-print edition of Louisa May Alcott's 'Little Women' are a complete fabrication and is demanding that Big Brother release the real tape.
A spokestypeperson for Channel 4 told us that Ms Cillicone's allegations were about as believable as her claim to be the mother of four illegitimate mixed-race children. "The only house guests who had any sex in that hot tub were the crabs that were unlucky enough to crawl into her woolen, navy-blue underwear. Not that it would have done them any good as they'd have had to negotiate a hymen which is as impenetrable as her diseased imagination."
Media pundits are speculating that if the steamy sex footage cannot be found the future careers of thousands of would-be slappers with tits several sizes larger than their brains could be in serious jeopardy. "It simply doesn't bare thinking about," PR mogul, Giles Stringfondler, told us as he put a call from another Essex hairdresser, desperate to be spit-roasted on live television, on hold. "If the wannabe slapper really didn't have sex, it would be the first time a Big Brother house guest has not been fucked over in the five years the show has been running."
Pausing only to allow our photographer to position his camera between
her widespread thighs while she masturbated with his film canister,
Michelle broke down in tears as she contemplated a future bereft of
game show appearances and oral sex with junior commissioning editors.
Michelle's plight has prompted politicians already under pressure to
distract the public from increasing NHS waiting lists, rising petrol
prices and the dangers of being repeatedly shot for wearing denim on
the tube, to call for an urgent review of how much nudity
TV companies should be allowed to broadcast. "It's a national scandal,"
complained one junior minister who asked to remain anonymous in case
her application to get onto the show was accepted. "The latest
series of Big Brother has featured 28 hours of footage of contestants
arguing about who's turn it is to muck out the chickens, three hours
of male house guests adjusting their genitalia and only sixteen minutes
of full frontal nudity, during which we didn't see a single erect penis
enter a vagina. It simply isn't good enough."
"What we basically have here is ordinary, decent men and women
desperate to be porn stars at a time when this country is crying out
for new initiatives
in the workplace."
Story © 2005 Miranda S Givings. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 220805