The Portuguese-born bank clerk ran away with last year’s £60,000 prize after voters warmed to her plea to be accepted as a transsexual—or possibly to cop a feel of her size 32FF 'fun-sized plums.' The show’s producers were reportedly so happy with the general goodwill caused by affording the public an easy, if entirely specious, way of alleviating its gender prejudices that they offered Ms Almada a further five-figure sum to undergo surgery to take on the form of the much-maligned pork product.

“Getting Nadia in there was a stroke of genius,” a spokestypeperson for Channel 4 told Utterpants. “Sending a text message to keep her in the Big Brother house may have been a patronising and unforgivably crude way for the public to accept a minority figure into mainstream society, but it sure as hell raised her profile—if not a few stiffies among the audience. Now we hope to rescue Spam from its dwindling sales and poor public image via similar means."

Reports that Ms Almada had no desire to change her identity again, and that Channel 4 executives had to coerce her into the deal by stuffing fifty-pound notes into her crotchless panties, while an anonymous well-wisher rutted her well-lubed, bare bottom, remain unconfirmed despite our researcher sleeping with the show's producer.

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Story © 2005 Donald Twain. Design and construction © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 300606