Talentless Slut Barbie
By our man who is no stranger to plastic dolls, David Agosta
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In an exclusive interview with utterpants, Mattel president Matthew Bousquette, reveals his mission to turn all little girls into talentless sluts with unusually large breasts
"Long legs, big tits, no brain, too much makeup and mute." That's how Barbie inventor Ruth Handler described the ideal American woman in 1959. "Our goal is to instill traditional American values in young girls." Anticipating the feminist movement by a decade, Handler went on to say, "American woman are becoming educated. It's all Hitler's fault. If it weren't for him, women would never have had to work. Look at me. I should be home baking cookies, but I'm running this company and taking a job away from a man who has a wife and children to support. Granted, I only earn twenty percent of what Elliot (Handler's husband and Mattel co-owner at the time) earns, but still. We have to do something or, my God, these girls will grow up to think they're equal to men. The Nazis made women work and we don't want to see a group of, what would you call them, um, Feminazis, that's it; we don’t want Feminazis to force women to work in the future. Women should be objects. That’s what we’re trying to teach."
Reflecting on her famous creation later in life, Handler reminisced, “I believed it was important to a little girl’s self-esteem, to play with a doll that has breasts. Women are biological support systems for breasts, nothing more, nothing less. It's important that young girls understand that.” Handler was such a fan of breasts that she designed and patented a realistic prosthetic breast in 1975. She said at the time: "This product will help realise a long-term dream of mine—that someday soon, medical technology will make it possible for all women to have huge, honking hooters."
The Handlers' gift of prescience was not limited to the future behaviour of young women. "Guns will always be an important part of American life," said Elliot Handler in a 1996 interview. "We wanted to be sure that teenage boys would be proficient in their use. That's why we marketed toy rifles so heavily throughout the Fifties and Sixties. We wanted to prepare the kids of the time for the day when they would become the parents of children who would play with real guns. I think we were quite successful in that."
In an exclusive Utterpants interview, current Mattel president, Matthew Bousquette, reflected on Mattel's history and the changes it has made to keep up with a fast-moving society.
Utterpants: "The Barbie
Doll is one of the most phenomenally successful toys
on the market. Can you explain the phenomenon of its phenomenal success?"
Utterpants: "I see... I think we have
a sense of what you mean by ‘corporate responsibility.’
The term ‘Barbie Doll’ has entered the dictionary
as a term for a vapid
sex-object. How do you feel about that?"
Utterpants: "Your philosophy sounds
more like a political
Bousquette: "Right. We’ve always seen the potential of plastic surgery to give all women unusually large breasts. But in the Seventies, we came to realize that plastic surgery can also be used to make Black people look whiter. So, in 1977, we started to use the same mould for both Black and White Barbies. That way, all of our Black dolls have White features. We’ve also been lightening Black Barbies’ skin tones. Oreo Barbie was the natural extension of our attempt to make Black people less Black. We all want young Black girls to be ‘white on the inside,’ like Oprah is. But it didn’t really work. Blacks are notoriously stubborn, you know."
Utterpants: "But how does lightening
a doll’s skin tone allow Black girls to identify with ‘Black
Bousquette: "No shit?
Um, let’s see. Ken
is an example. Ken was introduced as Barbie’s
brother, but many girls make Ken into Barbie’s
boyfriend. That weirded us out at first, but we noticed that sales of
our Ken doll were very strong in the more rural parts of America,
particularly Tennessee and West Virginia and that the pair sold very
well in Britain, for obvious reasons."
"In 1989 we discovered that some people have, um, close
relations with animals, so we introduced Animal Lover Barbie.
We tried to disguise the target market by aiming it at the PETA
(People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) crowd, but they weren’t
buying it. It sold well in Texas, but some of our distributors saw through
our charade, so we had to pull it. Sometimes, though, it’s just
a matter of timing. We’ve had a Dominatrix Barbie on
the drawing board for quite some time, but we didn’t know how
to market it. Then the Batman movies came out and Ka-Ching!"
Utterpants: "We meant marketing failures."
Bousquette: "Sure. Mattel is proud of the part it plays in the American economic machine. Our Board of Directors and officers own stock in a number of other companies. Collectively, we have large holdings in cosmetic companies, women’s fashion accessories distributors, weight-loss and other dubious health product manufacturers, etc. We are very conscious of how our Barbie line supports those industries. Look, we’ve created a product that ‘shops’. Think about it. We’ve created a consumer product that is capable of consuming. If your parents buy you a Barbie, you’ll inevitably want all the useless crap that goes with it. When you grow up, you’ll be used to buying useless crap. That’s good for America. And what's good for America is good for the rest of the world too."
(Our interview was rudely interrupted at this point when Britney Spears collapsed into the room unannounced, to discuss the new Talentless Slut Barbie planned for 2006. Wearing a pair of sexy, frayed shorts and a soiled T-shirt bearing the catchy slogan 'MILF in training', Ms Spears looked every inch the embodiment of Barbie. Pausing only to scratch her crotch and light up the first of many cigarettes, the devastatingly attractive, highly talented blonde bimbo proudly boasted that she was getting no compensation from Mattel aside from the unusually large breast implants they'd already paid for.
According to Bousquette, “Talentless Slut Barbie is the culmination of years of successful marketing and consumer research and Britney is the embodiment of all things Barbie: Vapid, vacant and unashamedly slutty. She just needed bigger tits and we were happy to provide them. We at Mattel see this arrangement as the perfect way to accomplish Mattel’s mission to turn all little girls into Barbies.”
Bousquette rubbed his hands together as he explained: "The anus will have three functions: First, Talentless Slut Barbie will be a singer. We didn’t want to mess around with our face moulds, so the anus will be where the sound comes from. Britney insisted on that bit of realism.”
Vocalizations are not the only things that Spears apparently insisted on having emerge from the new Barbie’s ample bottom, as Bousquette explained: “Britney really wanted her doll to realistically reflect her, so we will be installing a flatulence device. Press on Talentless Slut’s belly button ring and it farts, just like Britney.”
Talentless Slut’s derriere, like that of the popular pop tart it's modelled on, won’t be a ‘one-way-street,’ according to Bousquette. “Ms Spears suggested that Talentless Slut should be able to take it up the ass like an all-American hoe. It was our idea to include a few, small plastic bags filled with white powder. Girls can insert the bags into the doll’s anus before she crosses international borders. The flatulence device will spit the bags out when the Barbie doll reaches the next stop on her concert tour—unless Ken ruptures them first, of course."
Story © 2005 David Agosta. Design © 2005 utterpants.co.uk / 061005 A101205