Jilted Ken tells of 'living hell' with Barbie|
By our plastic babe watcher, Barry Subchimp
|IT WAS with tears in his synthetic eyes that plastic American icon Ken opened his heart to Utterpants this week, as the recently dumped male doll revealed the "raging drug fuelled attacks" he regularly suffered at the hands of his former girlfriend Barbie|
"I knew it was over when I saw the pictures
of her with Action Man on the front page of FHM," he sobbed.
Despite the overwhelming evidence of her adultery, Ken told Utterpants
he still tried to make amends.
She would scream at me, saying that we were through, and slap me around
before holding a magnifying glass to my face in the midday sun for five
minutes. Being an inanimate doll, I was unable to move myself out of
the heat, which made my face go all black and melty," wept the
pint-sized closet case.
And the evil Barbie's cruel torture didn't stop at facial melting.
The Blonde black widow regularly scarred Ken both physically and emotionally
just to amuse herself.
"Another time when she was on the rag, I accidentally put a knife
in the fork drawer, so she phoned the police and told them that I was
a filthy kiddie fiddler who had done all of the Bratz dolls in one night.
Ken revealed exclusively to Utterpants
that Barbie is not the fresh-faced, fun-sized doll she seems.
"I'm taking it one day at a time. She may still have the house,
yacht, car, limo, stable, helicopter and sex toys, but for now I'm happy
living in a tiny box underneath some Transformers and a My Little
Pony with the head chewed off. Some would say it sounds harsh,
but I'm content with who I am. I'll never go back — ever. I'm
happy to be away from that psychotic slut.
Newly Divorced Ken is now available from Matel, priced £12.99, complete with greasy unkempt hair, stubble, dirty macintosh, holed sweatshirt, no socks, burst shoes, and comes equipped with a free park bench and can of Special Brew.
Story © 2004 Barry Subchimp. Construction and picture © 2004 utterpants.co.uk