I paid Avril Lavigne for sex says fan I paid Avril Lavigne for sex says fan

By our woman with her finger on the belly button of America, Brianna Banks

A man, who reportedly paid 70,000 dollars to canoodle with the controversial Canadian chanteuse, Avril Lavigne, has outraged her 72 fans by claiming the sultry songwriter has all the sex appeal of, as he put it, 'a limp biscuit past its sell-by date'

Chuck Waggoner, an unemployed road manager to former pop tart Britney Spears — or possibly a fur trapper from Saskatuwan who's made a fortune from selling fake stories to newspapers looking to fill a few column inches during a slow week — told Utterpants he was 'devastated' by the experience.

"It took me three years to save up that money," he sobbed bitterly. "The ad promised a 'romantic night to remember with Avril', and all I got was twenty minutes in a greasy, roadside diner an' a lousy burger with limp fries. Her hair was a mess, her boobs were fake, and she spent the whole time chain smokin' an' stuffin' her face with Ding-dongs, Twinkies, M & M's an' Snickers. When I tried to kiss her she bit my lip, the bitch! Then some friggin' muscleman booted my ass outta the joint."

Chuck is not the only disappointed diner to be duped by the devious Diva. According to sources in the music biz, or sources not remotely in the music biz, but who work Saturday mornings in a record shop, Avril has suckered twenty-three other men into parting with huge wads of cash in the mistaken hope that they were buying a torrid night of passion with the Canadian crooner.

A very large man in dark glasses with a suspicious bulge under his left armpit who asked us to call him 'Don', spoke up for the prickly princess of Punk. "These loosers paid to eat out with Ms Lavigne. Some of them thought that meant she was on the menu, She wasn't — she's just doing this for charity".
"What charity?" we asked.
"The Canadian Disabled Punks Foundation."
"Are there many disabled Punks in Canada?" we asked.
'Don' slipped his hand inside his jacket and smiled menacingly. "How badly d'you wanna know?"

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© 2004 utterpants.co.uk

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