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Britney's Honeymoon Poem Britney's Honeymoon Poem
By our woman with her fingers in America's dirty laundry,
Brianna Banks

In another exclusive, we publish the Honeymoon Poem that has put resting porn star, Britney Spears, on the shortlist of the Booker Prize — the UK's highest literary award

'A honeymoon at last, to get away from y'all.
My mate Madonna said it'd be a ball.

I remember it well, as she was smilin'
She said it was called Fuckfest Island.

I packed my shorts, crack and bong
Then grabbed my pink dildo & favorite thong.

We hopped on a plane and took our flight
I blew Kev hard, all through the night.

As we arrive, I turn and look out the door,
People are fucking all over the shore.

We took a shower and smoked some grass
Then I ate cheetos while Kev fucked my ass.

Magical nights snortin' coke
laughing my fat ass off at that stupid dope.

Crack orgies under the stars
flashing my tits around the bars

Friendly "helloes" and never goodbyes
When you're sucking cock, the time just flies!

As I sit and prepare to split
I thank you, Fuckfest Island, for having this megastar.'

Britney Spears"Why, Britney? Why?" we asked the todger-teasing tartlet over a can of Red Bull and a plate of fries at her local McDonalds in Malibu. "Why did you rhyme 'smilin' and 'island?' Why would you do a thing like that?"
"Like, hello?" replied the simpering skankslut, "It's a poem, right? Poem's rhyme, don't they?"
"If you say so, Britney," we replied wearily. "So why do you think a poem about a money-laden lard ass rubbing crotches with a crackhead on a beach is remotely interesting to your fans?"

"Look!" snapped Britney, "That poem was written from the crotch with humour. Ya'll are being a bit harsh and critical. I was tryin' to write classy porn, y'know? Like I'm a classy lady, right? There's way too much skanky stuff out there so I thought I'd, like, write something that was really, like, y'know—"
"— Classy?" we suggested.
"Yeah — classy! I have way too much love for my fans and for the world just to write some dumbass, romantic shit like that slut Christina. I'm so sick and tired of being portrayed by bad media attention and ignorance as some dumb trailer trash. Could Avril have written a poem like mine?"
"Er, no Britney. Avril Lavigne's simply not in your league."
"Kewl!" squealed the pop princess delightedly, "I just know my poem's gonna move so many people."
"To vomit, probably," we commented.

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© 2004 utterpants.co.uk

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