California — In a surprise
statement that has stunned her fans and disappointed pre-pubescent boys
across America, popular pop princess, Britney Spears today announced
that she is retiring from the adult entertainment business to devote
herself to the preservation of animals cast-off by cash-strapped zoos,
callous pet owners and the media circus.
Ms Spears (46-26-46), best known for her role in the hay with megastar
Madonna, and for boosting the flagging sales of Kleenex throughout the
US, was inspired to make her controversial career decision by Cher,
who, as we reported earlier,
has recently opened the world's first Canadian Beaver Sanctuary
in the Mojave Desert.
The busy teen idol took time out from brushing the knots out of a
particularly dirty beaver that once belonged to Alanis Morrisette to
talk to Utterpants:
"So — Britney, tell us what's made you give up a multi-million
dollar career to look after unwanted wild animals in the desert?"
"Like, I don't know if you've noticed, but I've gained a bit of
weight and hurt my crotch? My doctor says I've gotta take it easy and
spend more time on my back. So when I heard about what Cher and Tippi
Hendren — she was in that Quentin Tarentino movie, Master
Bates Hotel — were doing with all these cute beavers that
were getting a bit too old, I thought, wow! Wouldn't it be, like, so
totally awesome to help them lead useful lives again?"
"I'm sure our readers can relate to that, Britney, they know
how hard it must be for a dumb animal that's past its prime to take
care of itself."
"Beavers aren't dumb," objected the pop princess, defensively.
"Cher says they build, like, these totally awesome bridges
and provide a rich habitat for other animals to graze on."
"I think you meant 'dams', Britney," we replied.
"OK," giggled the pop tartlet, "Damns".
"No", we repeated patiently, "dams".
"Damns", replied the clueless bimbette.
"No — dam, Britney; it's a breakwater, not a swear
"Oh damn!" giggled the pop tartlet.
"Never mind, we won't argue about the grazing. Tell us what it
is that you specially like about beavers?"
"OMIGOSH! Do I have to pick one thing? Well
— Cher says the females are, like, ruminant, coz they're, like,
on top of the males all the time."
"We think you mean 'dominant', Britney."
"Yeah — dominant!" squealed the teen tart delightedly.
"And they like to feed on wood a lot, like, at night?"
"It sounds like you have a lot
in common," we commented.
"Yeah — well, y' know, I so totally see myself
as, like, the naturist of the future."
"Don't you mean 'naturalist'?"
"Oopps, I did it again! Yeah — naturalist, that's
what Cher calls it. I know I'm a great role model for kids so I think
I'll probably be, like, the top naturist, like, y' know, forever.
And I'll be, like, the perfect ambassador for — beavers."
"We can't think of anyone better qualified for the job, Britney."
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