The shocking incidents, which are said to have taken place in the newsroom of 'The Poof' — which claims to be a bastion of Baptist morality and decency — involved several senior writers drooling over 'indescribably filthy' pictures of the popular singing sensation and ex-virgin, Britney Spears. In a bizarre contest of male superiority, which is alleged to have culminated in 'frenzied masturbation bouts lasting several seconds', dozens of writers are alleged to have egged one another on to see who could 'spew the most jizz' in the shortest possible time.

Jack Muckrakey, the charismatic Irish owner of 'The Poof', was unavailable for comment when Utterpants attempted to contact him, but we finally tracked down his Chief Editor, a fifty-three-year old part-time Baptist Minister, Shellium Truce, in an internet chat room for transsexuals. Speaking from underneath a huge mountain of used underwear, Ms Truce, was quick to dismiss the abuses as the work of a 'a few sick degenerates' who he/she assured our reporter were 'not representative of the high moral calibre of our writers.'

Amongst the photographs confiscated by police (which are too obscene for us to show) were images of the teen tartlet munching on a fan's hideously engorged member while three stage managers took it in turns to ride her writhing, well-lubed butt, before unloading all over her freshly spanked buttocks like US Marines in an Iraqi orphanage. In another photograph, Ms Spears is seen to flash her silicone implants at a mob of baying paparazzi while pleasuring herself to a series of mind-shattering orgasms with a chocolate bar.

The abuses were discovered when a female member of The Poof's editorial staff alerted the local police department after one of the jism jockeys begged her to let him 'wash her pussy' with his tongue. The writers, some as young as fifty-seven, went by various pseudonyms such as 'Manboobies', 'Big Helmut' and 'Morgan Pubes', in order to disguise their disgusting activities. But this has not prevented their identification. “We have arrested five men and one woman,” said Captain McCluskey of the Deep Butte police department, "and removed 1,957 pornographic photographs and several items of soiled female clothing for genetic fingerprinting. The perpetrators all come from deprived backgrounds in Texas, West Virginia and Tennessee. These sick perverts complained that they'd only organised the sex sessions to attract visitors to their website after the departure of leading writers sent their traffic levels plummetting through the floor. The editor even had the balls—assuming she has any—to ask if he could have the pictures back."

According to Dr. Anil Apurtur — a clinical psychologist who specialises in treating chronic masturbators — the Poof's writers all exhibited the classic symptoms of 'pussy envy'. Captain McCluskey confirmed Dr Aputur's hypothesis when his officers strip-searched the men. "Their exaggerated claims simply did not stand up to close physical scrutiny," he said.
Women Satire writers have hailed the arrests as a 'triumph of sanity and decency over smut'.

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