Britney sick — not fat, says Doctor Britney Spears sick — not fat, says Doctor

By our woman with her fingers in America's dirty laundry, Brianna Banks

In an astonishing article published yesterday in the prestigious medical journal Obesity Today, scientists have suggested that Britney Spears may be suffering from a rare degenerative disease known as Ciccone's Chorea

Ciccone's Chorea, or 'St Sappho's Dance' as it is also known, is a neurological disorder characterized by rapid, aimless, uncontrollable movements of the thighs, hips and crotch, attributed by scientists who have studied the disease, to the victim's inability to keep their legs together.

For reasons that are not entirely clear, Ciccone's Chorea appears to single out young, blond women with low self-esteem, high expectations and silicon breast implants.

"There appears to be a direct correlation between the size of breast implants and the ability of the brain to control muscular movements in these unfortunate women," explained Dr Hans Busenhalter, who has been treating Ms Spears for the disease.

This distressing disorder, which is thought to affect as many as 37 people, typically has an onset between the ages of 15 and 21, and affects girls more often than boys. The symptoms invariably include involuntary limb movements, facial grimacing, exhibitionism, singing, and the characteristic 'pelvic grind' which has given the disease it's common name of 'St Sappho's Dance' — an infamous courtesan who scandalized Greek society with her lewd stage act.

In the latter stages of the disease, the victim becomes increasingly forgetful and clumsy; knee injuries are common and many sufferers frequently rub their crotch to relieve the uncontrollable muscle spasms. Ciccone's Chorea is thought to result from a deficiency of the glycoprotein, aminoactyl-oxytocin which is responsible for brain development.

We asked Dr Busenhalter what could be done for the victims of the disease.
"Not much," he replied sadly. The only treatment available is to raise the hyper-glycaemic body index of the patient by massively increasing carbohydrate intake."
"Pardon?" we asked.
"I've advised Britney to eat lots of burgers, hot dogs, fries, ice cream, pizza, Ding-dongs, Snickers, and chocolate."
"And does that help?"
"It seems to stop the worst of her symptoms."
"So — the rumours that Ms Spears has cancelled all her tour dates because she is just a fat, washed-up slut who can't stop stuffing her face aren't true then?"
"Certainly not!" ejaculated the doctor. "Britney has a recognised medical disorder and is eating sensibly to control it."
"Well, that's a relief," we replied.

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