Britney told to lose weight

By our woman with her fingers in America's dirty laundry, Brianna Banks

Troubled teen idol Britney Spears, who we revealed earlier this week is suffering from Ciccone's Chorea — a rare neurological disorder characterized by rapid, uncontrollable movements of the thighs, hips and crotch — has been advised to have more sex by her doctor to burn off the calories

The only effective treatment for victims of this debilitating disorder is to increase their carbohydrate intake by eating lots of burgers, hot dogs, fries, ice cream, pizza, Ding-dongs, Snickers, and chocolate. Unfortunately, this leads to rapid weight gain, especially around the thighs, stomach and buttocks, as our picture clearly shows.

Dr Cillicone's prescription is simple; Britney must have more sex to burn off the calories her treatment is piling on. After having tracked the reclusive pop princess down to a seedy diner in Santa Monica, we asked her whether she was going to follow his advice.
"Well, like y'know, Kevin's been trying, like, really hard, but there's only so many times one guy can do me, right? So I'm gonna, like advertise for boys to totally, like, do me, all the time."
"And Kevin doesn't have a problem with that?" we asked.
"Like, hello?" squealed the pop tart defensively, "I'm not doing this for fun, y'know."

"Speaking of fun, do you have any particular boys in mind?" We asked.
"Omigosh! Do I have to pick one? Well — they gotta be sweet and have a sense of humor, and oh, like, not mind about my butt being a bit big right now, oh and they like totally need to respect me coz I'm not into any of that slutty stuff Christina does, y'know?"
"Anything else?"
"Lemme think... what was the question again?"
"What's really important to you in a boy?"
"Oh yeah — right. Well, they gotta be like completely — what's that word?"
"Dishy, funny, intelligent —"
"Yeah, right, they gotta be really indigent, coz I like, couldn't go with a boy that was dumber than me, y'know?"
"We don't think there's much chance of that, Britney," we replied.
"Yeah? Kewl!"

"So when are the ads going out, Britney?" we asked.
"You'll have to speak to my mom about that, she's handling it."
"Like she handled the police when they thought they'd found crack up your butt?"
"Yeah, she's been a great role model for me and Jamie. She says that once I get this weight problem licked, I'll like, probably be on top for like, y' know, ever."
"We have no doubt of it, Britney."

Comment on this story? Click the button to have your say.
OR CLICK HERE TO READ READERS' COMMENTS ON THIS STORY

Back to News index