"So, we understand congratulations are in
order," began our reporter.
“Yeah, I’m really pleased the controversy over my fake wedding
has started to blow over," cooed the curvaceous cutie.
"I meant your little bundle of joy."
“Yeah, Jason is kind of little in that department,"
replied Britney, "but like, he sure did bring me some joy. I mean,
he’s no Justin, but not every man can afford one of those —
um, like pump thingies, can they?”
Our reporter patiently explained that he was not referring to the size
of Jason Alexander's wedding tackle but to the fruitful curves of the
starlet's naked tummy which he was having difficulty keeping his hands
off — or another, similarly fleshy part of his anatomy.
"Let's forget about Jason for a second, and start over, shall we?”
he asked huskily.
“Shoot.” said the pint-sized pop princess, pulling her shorts
a little lower.
“So, Britney," gulped our reporter, "we heard you’re
“Eeww — that !”
“So are the rumours true?”
“Well, like — sort of…”
“So, you’re, like ‘sort of’ pregnant then? How
does that work?”
“Well, I’m, like a bit pregnant right now, but I’m
gonna, like, y'know talk to my lawyers and get it annulled."
“You mean an abortion, don't you?" we asked.
"Oh gosh no," replied the bubblegum-chewing babe. "I'd
like, never have an abortion. I mean it's wrong to kill a baby,
“So if you’re not going to have an abortion, how are you
getting rid of the baby?"
“Well, like I told you — I’m getting an annulment.”
“You’re having your pregnancy annulled?”
“No, I’m having that wild sex party annulled."
“I don’t think you can do—”
“—Look!" interrupted the simpering starlet. "It’s
simple. My lawyers, like explained it to me. If you do something stupid
because you don’t realise there are — like consequences,
then you can, like, have it annulled, 'kay?”
"Uh huh," commented our reporter bemusedly.
“It’s like my wedding to Jason, y’know?" continued
the prick-teasing pop idol. "I mean, I didn’t think it was
a real wedding, I thought we were having one of those fake weddings
like on TV."
"Fake wedding?" we asked.
The petite pop princess paused to show a bit more belly and continued
“Yeah, like a Vegas wedding. You know, like when people say to
each other ‘do you want to have a real wedding, or do you just
like, want to go to Vegas? Like a Vegas wedding isn't ‘married’
married, is it?"
"If you say so Britney," we replied "We don't have Vegas
weddings in Britain."
“Oh — gosh! Like I was forgetting you're from England, right?
Is that, like the same as the 'UK?"
We let that pass and asked the pregnant pop sensation what the connection
was between a fake wedding in Las Vegas and the very visible bun in
her bulging oven.
“Like, hello?" Retorted Britney sharply. "Jeez
you Brits are dumb. When I was having dirty sex with those four boys
backstage, I didn’t think it was real sex; not the kind of sex
I had with Justin where we were like, really in love, y'know? I thought
it was the kind of sex I had with Jason — where you’re just
really, really horny, so it doesn’t count? I figured
if it didn’t count, I couldn’t get pregnant.”
"Let me get my head around this," said our bemused reporter.
“You had four guys cum all over you backstage at one of your concerts,
but you didn’t think it was real sex?”
“Exactly!" exclaimed the starlet triumphantly. "You
see, I always figured Justin took my cherry, 'cos he was the first person
to have real sex with me. Like, we were really in love and
it meant something. But all those other guys before and after him didn't
count, kind of like a Vegas wedding, y'know?”
“And how does knowing this mean you're not pregnant?” we
“Because like I said, I didn’t know what I was doing. I
was, like, y'know crazy that night. I didn’t know you
could get pregnant from, like, just foolin' around with four guys behind
a trailer, so I’m just gonna have my lawyers do what they did
before and have that sex party annulled, so it never happened, then
I won’t be pregnant anymore, will I?”
“And you don’t see any problem with this approach?”
asked our reporter.
“Well, I haven’t talked to my lawyers yet," squealed
the squeaky-clean singer, "and I guess it might be kinda hard to
find all four of those guys, much less find out which one of ‘em
knocked me up, but I’ve got money and that usually solves these
kinds of problems. Biggest problem would be if all four of 'em got me
co-pregnant, then we'd probably need all their signatures.”
“Well Britney, it’s been quite an experience talking to
you," we said.
“The pleasure’s all mine," pouted the pop personality.
"Is there some way I can repay you for letting me set the record
“Well, I suppose, a blow job doesn’t really count as sex,
does it?” asked our reporter nonchalantly.
“Well, that’s how I understand it," replied the raunchy
rock star. "I think that’s a law now because President Clinton
said it didn’t count. You want one?”
“Well — if it would make you feel better...”
“Kewl!" squealed the silicone-enhanced Barbie doll, eagerly
unbuttoning our reporter's chinos. "But you’d better wrap
your rascal just in case, I don’t want to get one of those throat
pregnancies. I don't think you can get those annulled, can
So, there you have it. Britney Spears may be several piercings short
of a colander, but who cares? She can sing, she can dance, she looks
like a million bucks and this reporter can confirm she sucks the chrome
off a trailer hitch.
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Story © 2004 Dale Petrie. Construction,
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