Doctors at Federline Memorial Hospital soon learned that the 'exquisitely prepared chicken fillet' which the 57-year-old Britney Spears fan had eaten, was in fact, the hindquarters of 'Felis domesticus' — or the common cat.

Worse was to come when Mr Katowski's stomach was pumped and a short red, leather lead and cheap identity tag were found. The items were rushed to the high-energy imaging department where a short, thin guy with glasses was stunned to discover that Mr Katowski's lunch had, until recently, belonged to Britney Spears — the popular singing star and part-time lap-dancer.
"I was gob-smacked!" exclaimed the shaken technician when we spoke to him. "The tag had Ms Spear's name and address on it and a cellphone number—"
"—Cellphone number?" our interviewer interrupted excitedly.
"I'm afraid it's too worn to be legible," explained the technician.
"Pity," we replied.

Officers of the New York Police Department, who are investigating the incident, told us that 'Fluffy', as the deceased moggy had been imaginatively named by Britney Spears, had last been seen in the company of Jamie Lynn, the pop Princess' younger sister.
"What was it doing with Jamie Lynn?" we asked Sergeant Chris Katz.
"Britney sold it to her for ten bucks."
"Why did she do that?"
"Probably because of all the bad publicity she was getting from the media."
"What bad publicity?"
"Where have you been, man? Haven't you seen the headlines?"
"What headlines?" we asked.
"When she entered the cat in a beauty contest the local paper ran a headline that screamed 'Britney shows off her pussy."
"Wow! That is, er — open to some serious misinterpretation, sergeant.”
"You betcha ass, man," replied the policeman.
"So how did the cat wind up in a Thai Restaurant?"
"It seems Britney ordered Jamie Lynne to turn it loose."
"Why did she do that?"
"What would you do if the friggin newspapers published a headline that read 'Britney sells her pussy for ten bucks?"

When we attempted to contact Britney Spears, her personal assistant told us the troubled teen idol was 'so deeply distressed' that she was unable to talk to us. When we offered our sincere condolences on the sad death of 'Fluffy', her assistant snapped:
"She's not upset about that mangy cat! It's the headline on your fucking website that's upset her!"
"What headline?" we asked.
"Fan ate Britney Spears' Pussy!" spluttered the steaming spokestypeperson.

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Story © 2004 Brianna Banks. Pictures and design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk /160704