Contrary to our exclusive report last week that the troubled teen idol had a bun in her bulging oven — or possibly several cheeseburgers and a can of Red Bull — doctors at Los Angeles Medical Centre told Utterpants today that all attempts to impregnate the curvaceous cutie have so far failed.

The popular pop sensation who had earlier revealed that several plucky studs had made her pregnant in response to an advert her mother had placed on the Internet asking for volunteers to 'hit Britney several times in succession', now admits they failed miserably. In desperation, Britney called in the scientists in the hope that artificial insemination might succeed where 1,247 testosterone-charged admirers had failed. "Well it works with Panda's doesn't it?" the teen tartlet is reported to have said. We fear that may be wishful thinking on Britney's part but can readily understand why she said it. After all, the phrase 'eats shoots and leaves' could equally well describe the pop tartlet's choice in boyfriends as the feeding habits of a Chinese Panda.

Doctors were hopeful when Ms Spears began showing signs of pregnancy, leading Britney watchers to hope for the patter of tiny feet, or possibly very large feet attached to bulging calves. But the telltale signs, including rapid weight gain, facial spots, heavy smoking and ripped shorts, turned out to be the result of too many cheeseburgers rather than a surfeit of pork sausage.

Britney Spears is one of only three popular entertainers in America who have tried artificial insemination, the others all went for the genuine article — or possibly a plausible imitation assisted by a penis pump and a course of Viagra.

The news was a terrible disappointment for Britney's 37 fans, who had clubbed together to buy their idol a maternity dress and matching, leather thong.
"Britney is, like, the symbolic face of all that makes us proud to be American," a devastated devotee of the diva told us tearfully. "Her plumbing must be shot to hell. If the doctors can't help her I guess that means she'll stop screwing the loosers she's been hanging out with lately."
"We fear that may be wishful thinking," we replied.

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Story © 2004 Brianna Banks. Pictures and design © 2004 utterpants.co.uk