Britney Spears quits to play with herself
By our woman with her fingers in America's
|In an astonishing open letter to her 149 fans, former pop princess turned rising porn starlet, Britney Spears (168 lbs.), today announced that she was giving up her promising career in the Adult Entertainment business to devote more time to playing with herself|
The 22-year-old teen tartlet was introduced to tantric masturbation by Efraim Rabidobitch, the charismatic 57-year-old leader of the Kabbalah sect which she joined last year, after an all night orgy at Madonna's Scottish love nest encouraged the cock-crazy crooner to explore her 'dark side' — or possibly the crack in her sagging butt.
Tantric masturbation is claimed by its practitioners to prolong the act of self love for several hours which would explain why Britney wants to be left alone and has so far failed to induce her husband, Kevin Federline, to join in the fun. Utterpants caught up with the todger-teasing temptress at her Malibu Kabbalah shrine, where she took time off from anointing an enormous lingam with butter, to talk to us. We began by asking what had prompted her to write the controversial letter.
"Omigosh!" gushed the belly-baring bimbo. "It's, like
the most amazing totally life changing letter I've ever written, like
"OK," we said. "Let's get back to the letter, you said
it changed your life; how exactly?"
"No, Britney," we assured her.
"Yeah?" cooed the curvaceous cutie. "It's amazing what
advisors can push you to achieve, even if it means taking a naive, young,
blonde girl —"
"I know now that the reason my crotch gave out on me last summer
was so that I would have no choice but to get more anal. My body was
like saying my mouth needed a rest. It's funny how having lots of sex,
chain smoking, binge eating and heavy drinking just so changed my body.
Right now, I just wanna chill with a couple a Twinkies and a can of
Red Bull and maybe do a line of coke and like watch re-runs of 'Sex
with my Clitty.' I wanna enjoy all of the simple things that I
missed over the past few years due to having way too little attention."
Britney nodded, reverently stroking the dripping 12-inch phallus on
her Kabbalah altar. "Learning all about tantric sex is like so
totally awesome and I can't wait to start my own Kabbalah class.
I mean I never, like realised why all these guys I'd never met wanted
to fuck my brains out! So I figured if I was that amazing,
why don't I just fuck myself?"
© 2004 utterpants.co.uk