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Britney Spears quits to play with herselfBritney Spears quits to play with herself

By our woman with her fingers in America's dirty laundry,
Brianna Banks

In an astonishing open letter to her 149 fans, former pop princess turned rising porn starlet, Britney Spears (168 lbs.), today announced that she was giving up her promising career in the Adult Entertainment business to devote more time to playing with herself

The 22-year-old teen tartlet was introduced to tantric masturbation by Efraim Rabidobitch, the charismatic 57-year-old leader of the Kabbalah sect which she joined last year, after an all night orgy at Madonna's Scottish love nest encouraged the cock-crazy crooner to explore her 'dark side' — or possibly the crack in her sagging butt.

Tantric masturbation is claimed by its practitioners to prolong the act of self love for several hours which would explain why Britney wants to be left alone and has so far failed to induce her husband, Kevin Federline, to join in the fun. Utterpants caught up with the todger-teasing temptress at her Malibu Kabbalah shrine, where she took time off from anointing an enormous lingam with butter, to talk to us. We began by asking what had prompted her to write the controversial letter.

"Omigosh!" gushed the belly-baring bimbo. "It's, like the most amazing totally life changing letter I've ever written, like ever!"
"Have you written many letters?" we asked.
"Well — no, but.."
"How many exactly?"
"I guess emails don't count, huh?"
"Not really," we replied.
"OK. Well, three I guess. No, four, coz I wrote a thank you note to that guy at our wedding."
"What guy?" we asked.
"The guy I asked to buy the ring so Kev wouldn't feel so bad about marrying someone worth 60 million bucks."
"You paid for that ring?" we asked.
"No, of course not," snorted Britney indignantly, "That guy did."
"But you paid him?"
"No! My lawyer paid him."
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"Look!" snapped the teen tartlet, "I'm sick of hearing about how much I had to pay for that friggin' faux wedding. I only bought Kevin's tux coz he'd left all his money at home. It's so hurtful when you repeat these lies."
"Faux wedding?" we asked. "Are you telling us the wedding was a fake?"
"I meant 'folks' — it was the wedding my folks wanted for me," retorted Britney defensively."

"OK," we said. "Let's get back to the letter, you said it changed your life; how exactly?"
"Well, The letter was to show people where I am at in my life right now. It's like making closure with lots of skanky stuff I used to do and I think this is my ultimate truth. I owe it to my fans; it explains everything. I was hesitant at first. I saw this play in New York called 'Dumb Sluts' — and I thought, like this is so not me! It really inspired me to write the letter. I was the most amazing play. It was life changing for me. I've actually learned to say nuclear! I mean, like even the President can't say that, can he?"

"No, Britney," we assured her.
"So, with this newly found freedom, it's like guys don't know how to act around me anymore. Should we try to grab her crotch like we did when she was sixteen or just fuck her up the ass like Kevin does? My prerogative right now is to just pleasure myself — oppss, I mean please myself, and let you guys masturbate over that skanky slut Christina Aguilera. I'm sorry that my life seemed like it was all over the place the past couple years, it's probably because IT WAS! I understand now what they mean when they talk about child porn. Going down on guys was all I've ever known since I was fifteen years old. I mean, I really sucked, y'know?"
"No one ever sucked better, Britney," we agreed.

"Yeah?" cooed the curvaceous cutie. "It's amazing what advisors can push you to achieve, even if it means taking a naive, young, blonde girl —"
"— Brunette, Britney," we interrupted.
"Oh yeah," giggled the prick teaser coyly, "Yeah, a brunette girl with tiny tits and bad teeth and giving her an awesome boob job and a really big ass."
"Well, we won't argue with that," we commented.

"I know now that the reason my crotch gave out on me last summer was so that I would have no choice but to get more anal. My body was like saying my mouth needed a rest. It's funny how having lots of sex, chain smoking, binge eating and heavy drinking just so changed my body. Right now, I just wanna chill with a couple a Twinkies and a can of Red Bull and maybe do a line of coke and like watch re-runs of 'Sex with my Clitty.' I wanna enjoy all of the simple things that I missed over the past few years due to having way too little attention."
"Is that why you're promoting tantric masturbation?" we asked.

Britney nodded, reverently stroking the dripping 12-inch phallus on her Kabbalah altar. "Learning all about tantric sex is like so totally awesome and I can't wait to start my own Kabbalah class. I mean I never, like realised why all these guys I'd never met wanted to fuck my brains out! So I figured if I was that amazing, why don't I just fuck myself?"
"We couldn't have put it better ourselves, Britney."
"Yeah? Kewl!" squealed the teen tartlet delightedly. "There is so much change going on right now... not only with me, but in America, as well. So, the next time you see my bare belly, cute ass, or even if I'm the topic of your every conversation, please remember that jerking off over me is good for you and so am I!"

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